IN COLD BLOOD

TRUMAN CAPOTE - IN COLD BLOOD

Like so many other readers of books, I have to buy books, read them and stock them in my apartment; throwing away a book is in my opinion a sin, especially if you enjoyed reading it. Over the years I have created a sense of which books I actually like to read and I must say I almost never buy a book that I dislike. And if so, bad luck - I can not dump the book anyway.

Modern literature by young male writers I enjoy most; not that female writers can't write but if I look through my library there are hundreds of books, but only about 3 or 4 by female writers. I suppose the subjects or style of the books do not suit me - for example I would never buy a book on illnesses or other tear-jerkers.

There is only one book I read cover to cover in one go: "In cold blood" by Truman Capote. Although the storyline was known beforehand I never read anything as catchy and fascinating as this novel based on an article in the New York Times on the murder of a family of four in the tiny village of Holcombe in Kansas in 1959, so 50 years ago.

Truman Capote started to write just days after the tragic event happened and had many talks with the actual murderers, who were caught after a hunt down of several months and sentenced to the electric chair. It seems that the flamboyant Truman Capote was so caught up in this story that he was not able to write another work of importance after "In cold blood" and died as an alcoholic and drug-addict in 1984. The book itself was published after 9 years of research in 1965.

It is fascinating to read about two killers and the family Clutter, who seem to have no connection at all and are doing their own thing. Then you see them physically move towards eachother, which culminates in the actual killing of the family. After that act the lines diverge again and the hunt for the killers starts.

Although you know exactly where the story is heading to (the article in the NY Times is in the introduction of the book), the tension is tangible on every page of the book. A must-read for everyone.

What am I reading now: "A spot of bother" by Mark Haddon - a very enjoyable family history with a lot of subtle humor in it. Maybe on that one later.

PICASSO, CEZANNE, MONDRIAAN

Tuesday I went to a new exhibition on paintings on Picasso, Cezanne and Mondriaan in the Gemeentemuseum in The Hague. An exhibition which received huge attention in the media and was opened by the Queen Friday a week ago. So I was curious to see what actually was exposed. I must honestly say that it was a disappointment; as a regular visitor of the museum I recognized a lot of the works exhibited, although some works of mainly Cezanne were added.

Cezanne, widely recognized as the first painter of modern art at the end of the 19th century, is not one of my favourites. Of course it is high quality painting and ground-breaking for the impressionist movement later, but it does not stick in my mind or touches my heart. Picasso is more to my liking, but the Picasso-exhibition of a few months ago was more impressive and more exhaustive. Mondriaan is very recognizable, but once I knew the philosophy behind his paintings in my modern art course (the search for the perfect composition), it became annoying.

The exhibition attracts a lot of people and I suppose for visitors who do not come to The Hague that often a lot of the works shown are new and intresting.

A SURPRISE I WAS NOT WAITING FOR

I usually like surprises, because they make your day more worthwhile and break with the routine. In my search for a new job I was offered a job at the City Council of The Hague and although I made clear that this job is not suitable for me, I was invited for a job interview and another one, in which I was extremely critical. Still they want me ! What to do ? Of course I am flattered but I think it is still wise not to accept the job offer, unless ... That is why I requested another interview. Let's see what happens; maybe I can model this job to my wishes.

KRAPP'S LAST TAPE

Last Tuesday I have visited with a friend the performance of a play by Beckett called "Krapp's Last Tape". As most of Beckett's plays it is not a uplifting and sparkling song and dance. As an hour and a half monologue of an elderly male who looks back on his life by listening to tapes he recorded on each of his birthdays, it was very confronting and intense. All those missed opportunities and bad memories ! Somehow it was also very confronting and recognisable to me !

At first I thought it would not be a very good idea to go to a very depressing piece, but the recension in the newspaper that it was very well performed, highly confronting and absurdist / post-modern convinced me that it is a performance I would like. As such I love plays that are not down-to-earth or mainstream and it is not essential to understand everything. It should make you think what is in it for me and that is for everyone different.

And it is uncomfortable: long silences, no music, only one actor, slow pace. With the absurdistic elements and the outbursts of uncontrolled emotions a challenge ! But I thought Steven van Watermeulen as Krapp was very intense and convincing. Worth seeing. And personally I like to go to the Royal Theatre in The Hague; it is very festive and elegant.

BEING BORING

As a child I have heard from my father often the remark "you are boring" if I was not willing to do what he liked me to. That is why "being boring" always reminds me of a childhood I did not want. To help me get over this trauma there is this song. "Being boring" by the Pet Shop Boys; a classy video and a nice song - a true inheritance of the 90s. Being boring (am I ?) was never that interesting and I do not care what anyone says.

PET SHOP BOYS - BEING BORING

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMtPu6QyRzQ

HOW TO ACHIEVE AUTHENTICITY ?

The last few weeks I focused again on a question that engages my mind already for a couple of years now. How to achieve authenticity and how to lead the life you really, really, really want deep inside? Not an easy task because we are trained like little monkeys to adapt to the life society wants us to lead.

Especially for us gays it is a question that is central in our lifes. I remember an article in the newspaper that the British secret intelligence agency MI6 was especially keen on hiring gays because we are masters in adapting to a role to play in a "hostile" world.

Everyone has inside a psychological drive to individuate, to actualize, to manifest the unique and authentic self that you are; at least I think so. Every time we act not in accordance to the authentic self we feel desperation, alienation and meaningless; don't tell me, I have experienced it. Like last month as I quit my job after a month; it lead to emotional pains and were in contradiction to authenticity. OK, leave it behind.

It takes courage to live your own life - mainly because nobody tells us how to do this. Parents, society and school in most cases fail to take up this challenge. That is why I went on the internet to look specifically for essential skills that help me lead the life I want. I came across a list which is in my opinion quite accurate and which I want to share with you (source: www.whole-person-counseling.com):

- PRESENCE - being, present in the moment, with your direct experience of your self and life;

- FOCUSING - sensing into your felt sense of the unfolding self;

- WHOLENESS - radical permissiveness for the experience of and embrace of all of your nature;

- SELF-ACCEPTANCE - reconciliation to the givenness of your self and your life as it is;

- SELF-ESTEEM - valuing your self and the givenness of your nature;

- LIVING AS PROCESS - living as a dynamic, vital process, not a static conceptual identity;

- VALUES CLARIFICATION - defining your own values, beliefs, opinions, and postures in life;

- UNIQUENESS - comprehending the difference you are and the value that your difference is;

- BOUNDARIES - distinguishing you to yourself, your relationships, and your world;

- PERSONAL AUTONOMY - inner or self-direction and self-regulation;

- AGENCY - living as the cause, not the effect of your life;

- PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY - being accountable for your life as it is and it is not;

- WILL - applying intention to self-directed purpose;

- CHOICE - the privilege and responsibility of creating your life through your conscious choice;

- DECISION MAKING - formal skills of decision making;

- COMMITMENT - passionate commitment of your abilities and resources to the authentic life you choose to live;

- SELF-ASSERTION - expressing your self in the world as the difference you are;

Quite a list and a lot of work still to do ! And this all to achieve a state that should be natural to all of us: "authenticity is the degree to which one is true to one's own personality, spirit or character, despite external forces, pressures and influences which are different from, and other than, itself" (wikipedia). Following the emotional pains I suffered in the past it might be time to choose not for the safe choices but for the growth choices; what other choice do I have ?

SING SANG SUNG

It has been a while since I have been putting a blog on this site. I have been very busy with my job and I am sorry to report that it did not work out. I felt encaged and not free to do my thing. So I went for a month to Utrecht and then quit. I had a very good exit interview with the director; he respected my decision and told me that I showed great courage to decide for my own wellbeing. It was not an easy decision but it came from my heart and I have learned to listen to my heart instead of my head.

Last week I had a nervous breakdown and I am now looking towards a dark future; a black tunnel with no end. Bright light will enter after some time, I am sure, but at this moment let there be hope, let there be confidence. Once again a difficult situation.

In the last month I found two songs that I play a lot; one of them is a song of Anthony and the Johnsons with the Metropole Orchestra singing "Crazy in Love". I saw the whole concert and it was fascinating; I was already familiar with Anthony and the Johnsons but to see them live was a whole new experience. Therefore now Anthony and the Johnsons and the Metropole Orchestra in Carre Amsterdam with Crazy in Love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0ob52GyXl4

ANTHONY AND THE JOHNSONS - CRAZY IN LOVE

As I sat in my car returning from Utrecht to The Hague I heard this new song from one of my favorite bands Air. Because the title "Sing sang sang" is very appropriate I decided to add this to my blog today. A very simple song, but a hypnotic video. That is their secret; songs with the simplicity of the 70s, but with the technological aspects of the years 2000.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuSPRu4lzag

AIR - SING SANG SUNG

In the meantime I am OK; still thinking what has to happen now, but ideas and inspiration will come. Help me get the courage to face the future !!

IT'S A CHALLENGE

This week was the first week in my job. I was dead nervous when I started my job. Last week I met my staff and I was not convinced that I would have a click with all of them. Some of them are much older than I am; do they accept me as their manager ?

I started with some practical things; like starting up my computer, make some basic arrangements with my secretary and made up some small talk with every person I met. We went together to lunch, which was also a positive thing to meet people.

On Tuesday I started personal talks of half an hour with members of my staff; just about what they are doing, how they feel about what they are doing and how they see their position within my new organisation. This was a lot of information which I somehow had to place into the big picture.

Tuesday was also the day of the big interruption of train traffic around Utrecht. A hot day and not being able to get back to home has cost me a lot of energy. I had dinner in a restaurant in Utrecht and after an adventurous trip back with stopovers in Gouda and Rotterdam I finally arrived home in The Hague at 22.15. So there was not much left of my day.

Wednesday and Thursday were very hot and everybody was working half force. I met again the second man of the organisation and had a pleasant talk. He convinced me that I am welcome in the organisation and that I am capable to do the tasks assigned to me. It still is a challenge; surely with my history.

As a gay man I still do not feel safe in the organisation. There are a lot of muslims and hindus working and some of them even wear headscarves (even in my own staff) and those are known not to be the most tolerant against gays. Sometimes I feel strong if my rights might be violated, but I do not want to battle. They have to accept me as much as I accept them. Coming out is still too risky, but I do not want to hide it either.

I started to get more acquainted to Dutch immigration law, because I feel that it is necessary to become accepted by the staff, which totally consists of lawyers and specialists. Specialists always still look down upon generalists - but OK, this is their problem; I see the bigger picture. Next week I finally hope to meet my new director; he seems to be charismatic but difficult to get in contact with. Next week more info.

TIRED

Today I went to Utrecht to meet my new colleagues in the last work meeting under the presidency of my predecessor; those people I am supposed to manage the next year. A lot of information came my way and I was focused on understanding what they were all talking about and I quickly lost track.

And there it was again; can I manage ? am I not falling in the same traps as in previous years ? am I capable enough ? STOP !!; this is not helping - STAY CALM AND IT WILL BE OK !! It is not necessary to understand it all at this stage. Luckily nobody noticed anything; also something I have learned over the years ...

CHANGING THE FLOOR

As I wrote before I finally decided to throw out my carpet and to introduce a wooden floor in the whole apartment; a major job I required the help of my father for. At first instance I wanted the wooden floor to have more possibilities to rent out the apartment but now I have decided to stay in Holland after all, I can enjoy it myself.

Such a major job also helps you to clean out your house, the more because I wanted the new floor in my whole apartment. Books were rearranged (and man what a lot of books I have !), cupboards were cleaned, furniture was shifted to other rooms etc. A fresh start in a fresh new house.

After three days of hard work (from 9 until 9) we still did not finish the job; we were so fed up with it we had to quit and to postpone the final two rooms to later this week. My father did the measuring and the sawing; I did (most of) the clicking of the laminate and the sticking of the skirthing-board (or in Dutch "plint"; a much nicer and practical word). Before we actually found out what the most convenient and practical way of going forward was, there was some frustration about the little progress.

After a break of two weeks we finally finished the job. And I am very pleased with the final result. Only downside: I have got a nasty rash which is not going away; maybe it is linked with some glue or other substance I am allergic to. I hope this is going away in the near future; otherwise we have a new problem to deal with.

To give you some impression of the final result:

TOUR THROUGH GERMANY

The last week I made a small tour through Germany after visiting friends in Kiel in Northern Germany. It is already quite a number of years ago when I made for the last time a road trip (was it Norway or Ireland ?) and now I remember how enjoyable it is. Windows open, relaxed attitude, nice weather, go as you please. What do you want else ? And in Germany the prices for food and lodging are very reasonable.

As a half-German I feel very much at home in Germany and I do speak the language. That helps ! It was interesting to see how much Eastern Germany has changed after the fall of The Mauer; it is not recognisable as a former socialist republic anymore.

Cities I visited: Ratzeburg, Luneburg, Celle, Goslar, Quedlinburg, Stolberg. Especially advisable a day-tour through the Harz-area in Middle-Germany (Lower-Saxony, Saxony-Anhalt); beautiful area not overrun by tourists. OK, that was the local tourist office ! To get you into the mood, some images. Tip: Visit Quedlinburg - magical fairy tale city in former East Germany.

NEW PROGRAMME FOR THE CITY

A small update of my political activities, which were also progressing in the last couple of weeks. In a small working group we managed to get the necessary input for the democracy and administration section of the programme of "my" political party for the local elections in March 2010. Still far away but in fact it is only 9 months in which we have to harvest the electional gains of the European elections of June 4th.

I wrote down my main points in a small document and forwarded it to my fellow working group members and I can say that the core of this document was finally sent to the committee which is drafting the text of the programme. On Saturday we have to defend it before this committee; first signs were that they are pleased with the input in such a short time.

Some of our main suggestions:

- every citizen of The Hague must be treated as equal individuals and not as member of a group (family, religion, ethnic or sexual minority); respect for the individual character of the other is a leading principle;

- there is the possibility to introduce an advising referendum on city level and a citizen poll in a specific part of the city, in which has to take into consideration the balance between the costs and the effects of a referendum;

- religion is a private matter; the city should not finance religious organisations in their religious activities;

- less regulation and bureaucracy on local level, but promotion of social awareness;

- the city should actively work on the international profile of the city of The Hague;

These are specific also my points because I think they are essential to make The Hague a dynamic city with diversity. Let's see what the others think.

CHANGE OF PLANS

Last week I informed you that I finally had made the decision to leave The Netherlands and go abroad. Just two weeks later the message that I have accepted a job offer in Utrecht in the heart of The Netherlands. I feel a little bit like a windvane, going along with every wind. But I am convinced that I am not doing justice to myself by doing so.

Just one day after taking the decision to go abroad I received an invitation for a job interview and I decided to go; let's just see what happens - at least I have got free coffee. It went fine - I felt very relaxed and sailed through the interview. A second interview went also fine and so the third. And then I received the job offer and I had to decide what to do: stick to my original plans or take the job offer. I have decided to do the latter and to keep my plans to move abroad in my head and go on with the preparation.

So, I still have to get used to the idea to stay. Somehow it frightens me; is it still the best decision - will I not make the same mistakes as in the past ? But OK; I did not give my soul away and every decision can be reversed. So let's enjoy the fact that I will receive some money in the near future and can be productive in a job. Utrecht here I come again.

As of 15 August 2009 I will be programme manager at an institute for multicultural affairs in Utrecht, mainly financed by the government; a combination of networking, managerial and legal tasks - I think a good combination. I will step in at roughly the same salary level as I left my last employer; more than I could expect.

Now it is time to relax. I will visit a friend in Germany who will become 50 later this month and add a couple of days making a trip through Eastern and Northern Germany. Furthermore my father is going to help me fix a new wooden floor in my apartment in two weeks. That makes my apartment easier to rent out ... in a year or so.

A DECISION MADE !!

HERE I COME

Finally the decision is made: I am going to leave the country. First for a couple of months, but with the intention for a longer period. Never burn your bridges behind you and never sell the fur of the bear before you shot it (several Dutch cliché sayings packed in one sentence).

It will not come as a surprise that I have chosen for the US and/or Canada to go to. Not the easiest countries because it is not easy for outsiders to get into the country and to get a job. I have applied for a Green Card and the outcome should be available as of July 1 – it will make things a lot easier if I would get one. Maybe I am lucky for once.

Before I can leave still a lot has to be done and a lot of questions have to be answered. As a help for myself I will try to give an overview of all the different things that have to be dealt with:

MONEY

Money is a big issue with every decision I take: I will not have any income as of 1 July 2009; quite scary but I knew it was coming. For money I made some financial arrangements with my parents, but I do not want to become dependant on them. Independency is an important thing for my self-worth. So I need a job; just one day after I made the decision I was invited for a job interview and on Friday this week already a second interview is taking place. But it is in Holland; I have decided to take it seriously and just see what will happen. I can always say NO.
Points of action:
1. Contacting my bank for advice;
2. Necessary to open my own bank account in US ?;
3. Can I continue internet-banking on my Dutch bank account ?;
4. Is it wise to mandate someone in NL to deal with financial issues in NL ?;

JOB

The main question I am asked by friends and relatives is: what are you going to do in the US and how are you going to make a living ? Although these are logical questions I refuse to answer them: answers will come and I asked these questions to myself all over and over again. I will not let doubts of others ruin my enthusiasm.
Points of action:
1. Doing remaining job interviews in the current application procedure in NL;
2. Make an inventory of voluntary activities in SF: arts, gay activism …?!
3. Doing research on job possibilities in US;
4. Doing research on formalities concerning work permits;

SOCIAL SECURITY

The Netherlands has a fantastic social security system (mainly pension rights) and I should be careful to not unnecessarily throw away valuable rights by moving out of the country. Not very interesting issue, but better be safe than sorry. Luckily I have got a friend who knows a lot about these issues.
Points of action:
1. Contacting my friend what to do;
2. Contacting my pension fund ABP and FNP for advise;

HOUSING

One of the main issues I have to deal with while still in Holland is housing: this means what to do with my apartment in The Hague as well as where to stay in SF. I hate it to stand with my suitcase at the airport and to not know where to go. Someone advised me to look for expats to rent my apartment to while being abroad. This was one of the main incentives to pull me over the line to actually go. It gives me some financial means and I still have a place to stay when I return (if I return … ). But renting out is easier said than done: my mortgage owner has to agree as well as the union of apartment owners (VvE). To find someone who wants to rent my house should be the least of a problem: expats enough and housing agencies advert with “someone for your apartment in 24 hours”. I still have to inform what are the necessary requirements and what is a reasonable rent to ask: 1100 Euros I see as a minimum. And then there is still the question which adjustments and renovations are necessary to make it rentable.
Points of action:
1. Contacting housing agency for possibilities;
2. Making adjustments / renovations in my apartment (floor ?!);
3. Informing bank, VvE, neighbours;
4. What to do with my personal items, car, bike etc. ? – contact my parents;
5. Looking for housing in SF;
6. Looking for tax deductions with Dutch tax authorities;
7. To reorganize my personal belongings and preparing for my move;

EDUCATION AND LANGUAGE

One of the main problems when going to another country is how can you prove that you have the necessary qualifications. Because almost no one in the US can speak Dutch or anything else than English I have to prove that I have a Master Degree in Law and I can speak English. Furthermore as long as it is not possible to legally work, may be I can do a course.
Points of action:
1. Make an inventory of all my wishes for extra knowledge / courses;
2. Look for educational possibilities in US;
3. Let my diplomas be translated in English;
4. Check whether it is essential or desirable to do an English exam;

TRAVEL

It is worthwhile to check travel offers; it is still a lot of money to travel by plane and lucrative offers are available – this may influence the actual date of leaving.
Points of action:
1. Checking offers air carriers;

MOBILITY

There are not many possibilities to organize means of transport in the US from Europe, but maybe there are special offers for foreigners which can only be entered into before you enter the US. Is my Dutch drivers’ license valid in the USA and are there special requirements to buy / rent a car ?
Points of action:
1. Check offers for foreigners on tourist and transportation in US;
2. Phone Dutch AAA for specific requirements concerning USA / Canada;

HEALTH

Health is a big issue; it can become very costly when something happens and it would mean a big and irresponsible risk to travel without proper health insurance. Also do I have to arrange something to be able to take with me the only travel companion I can not go without: the ever reliable anti-depressants (or should I try to cut down on the amount once again ?).

What if something happens overthere and I need a doctor urgently. Can I go to any hospital or does my health insurer only reimburse costs made at specific hospitals and doctors ? Not an easy world we live in.
Points of action:
1. Ask doctor for specific prescription for a longer period;
2. Ask doctor for a declaration that I need my medication (to avoid getting charged with possession of drugs; I have got problems enough);
3. Check health insurance whether it covers medical costs incurred in the US or Canada and which costs;
4. Buy basic medical needs to take with me;

COMMUNICATION

Communication is key when you go abroad. People overhere have to know I am still alive and kicking and that I am not laying in the gutter or have jumped from Golden Gate Bridge. Off course I could go to an internet café to use e-mail, but for me that is too basic. I want to take the time to write on my blog or to consult the internet at a moment convenient for me: whether it is at 1.00 at night or 11.00 in the morning. To get complete internet coverage and full-time access to a computer does not seem realistic. So there has to be a laptop and this is the first step I took already: I bought a laptop – a basic one but with all the features. As a former computer nitwit it took some time to become acquainted with the thing, but I can deal with it now. Except the wifi-function I have tested all the functions and I am very pleased with the thing. This laptop should symbolize a new start !

Last time I was in the US my mobile did not work; probably because it is so expensive to phone by mobile from the US to Europe with a prepaid, that you are not able to say anything before you run out of credit. It is essential to change the prescription. Or maybe I should buy a prescription in the US ?

I took some precautions also to be able to listen to music while on the road. In SF I bought an i-pod and I uploaded (or should it be downloaded ?) loads of music to it. Only the proper ear phones are still missing.
Points of action:
1. Buy proper ear phones for i-pod and laptop;
2. Download all the software I might need on my laptop;
3. What to do with my internet and phone provider in NL while I am away ?
4. Test the wifi-function on my laptop;
5. Change the prescription of my mobile phone or take a prescription in the US?;

ENTRY

Last but certainly not least: what is it all worth if you are not able to enter the country or to leave after a few weeks ? Formalities; nobody’s favorite but I have to admit that I am quite good at it – I know what I have to do and I know my ways in bureaucratic stuff; that is where my legal background comes in. A lot of formalities have to be dealt with long before you can go and may define if you can go or not and your date of departure. I applied for a Green Card a long time ago and it should not be long until I receive a decision; it will make it all a lot easier. They do not know what they are missing when they refuse me entering the country on a more permanent basis.
Points of action:
1. Check the validity of my passport and drivers’ licence;
2. Check formalities at websites American and Canadian Embassies;
3. Check website American State Department for Green Card;

You see. It is possible to take a spontaneous decision to go abroad for a couple of months … Preparing is key and maybe it is partly my perfectionist personality that this list goes on and on. I’ll keep you posted.

THAT WAS MY WEEK

It has been a busy week! Normally I would have written some messages, but somehow I did not manage this week. Some events:

• on Friday May 8 I went to see my shrink (oh, how I hate this word) in her practice near Deventer in the east of the Netherlands; normally I see her near Leiden. It was a good session which gave me insight in the situation I am in and the direction I am heading for; I am not ready to write it down on my weblog but I will inform you soon. First I have to digest the decisions I have taken and stick to them;


• on Saturday May 9 I bought a new bicycle with my dad; as I have written my bike was stolen and at first I did not want to buy a new bicycle immediately; but my father convinced me that I really needed a bike to get around (do I?) and we went on a small tour to find a suitable second hand bike; I am really happy with the bike we found: only 125 euros (a 50%-discount) and a good brand; in the meantime my back light came off and my carrier straps snapped, but I am still happy with this temporary solution;


• on Sunday May 10 (a beautiful day by the way) we had a family reunion at my parents' house with my mothers' side of the family - the German side; although I hate to tell over and over again why I am doing what I am doing, it was a very enjoyable day; in the end the thought of it was worse than the actual day; I had to play with all the kids the whole day;


• on Tuesday May 11 back in The Hague I met with my "refugee" from Iraq; we went for a drink in a bar at the beach and had an intense talk about religion (like always) and politics (also like always); but it is always nice to hear from someone with a different perspective and I admire his courage and perseverance;


• on Wednesday May 12 I had an information evening on the upcoming European elections; I volunteered to be a chairman at a polling station and I was informed by the city council on all the formalities and eventualities; I have to reread all the information, because it is very complicated with all the different forms and passports which can be presented; after a 20 years with electronic voting we are going back to voting with the red pencil; let's see how it works out on June 4!!; I am only unhappy that I have to be unpartial...


• on Thursday May 13 I had meetings with my coaches, which was very intense. Because it was a beautiful day I took my new bike for a tour of 30 kilometres; first to Voorburg for session no. 1 and then to Leiden for lunch and then to Oegstgeest for session no.2; under way I met my former secretary, who came from the company doctor - again one strong person who suffered from a burn-out, like 3 of the 4 Management Team-members; OK, I should not get upset, but someone has to do something about it;


• today, Friday May 14 I had an application interview at a recruitment agency; all went well, I am getting more and more comfortable in just being me and I know I can be convincable; Last week I took a decision and I asked Anja, my psychologist, to help me continue along these lines - that makes it more complicated - more later !

Because I had a good week, just a funny picture and my hope that next week will even be better!

WHY?

Why ? An easy question; often difficult to answer.

Yesterday my bike was stolen, while I was having coffee in a cafe; at 2 PM at a busy street. It was well secured. I still have the key, but that is all I have. Someone took my bike but left all the other bikes where they were. Why ?

I went back in to calm myself down and had a drink on the house (thanks !!). They saw that I was shocked. After half an hour I had my act together, left my address in case my bike was found (you'll never know) and went home by tram. Enough time to think about reporting it to the police. With 1 million bikes stolen each year you could ask yourself whether it is worthwile reporting it. I did it anyway, not because of my hope that my bike will be returned but more to give my mind a rest; I could not simply accept the fact that someone took my property. I recognize my bike; if I see someone riding it ...

OK, that was yesterday. Actually I wanted to write about something else in which the question "why?" played a big role. Last week the nation was in shock that someone attempted an attack on Queen Beatrix and her family in Apeldoorn (the birthplace of my grandfather by the way). It was a strange attempt by driving a car through the crowds towards the bus in which the royal family was transported. I doubt whether it was a serious attempt on her life, because there were no explosives found in the car. But 6 members of the public were killed as well as the driver.

Immediately the question rose why and who was the driver ? The fact that the driver was a loner, who lost his job and was evicted from his home was seen somehow as a relief (thank God it is no muslim terrorist !), but on the other hand how can you protect people from someone who is that desperate that he is prepared to do anything.

Although sad, it is and must be one's own choice to end his or her own life. I only wished that he would have looked for help (and if he wanted to do it anyway, choose another way!). The fact that he took the lives of 6 innocent people can not be excused in anyway. What I do not get is the total surprise?

The Queen is a symbol of the state and Dutch society. As such: if you attack the Queen, you attack society. Some people feel so mistreated by society, that they want revenge, and what simpler than attacking the Queen. You can do the utmost to prevent such attacks, but I am convinced that if someone wants it desperately there is no 100% security.

People deal differently with a personal crisis. For example: one can suffer from a severe depression, one can resort to violence or one can simply accept and go on. I have experienced personal crisis in different stages of my life and I can see the pain someone must have had to actually do this. Do not get me wrong: it is your own personal crisis and others should not suffer from it !!

In such a situation it can be very difficult to be confronted with the wealthy, happy and beautiful people, again symbolized by the Royal Family. "I want to have that, but I have nothing and I will never be someone". You can get so angry that, that someone without self-control is willing to do anything to hurt society.

If you have never experienced a several personal crisis it might be difficult to understand. But society is not for everyone that happy, beautiful and OK world ("Heile Welt") all the time - if you do not see that, you are either ignorant or not capable to feel empathy. I know it is harsh, but I mean well.

Remember what happened yesterday.

THE DAILY ANNOYANCE

At least once every day I get annoyed with daily life and start to grumble. Mostly it is about things that cannot be changed (like the weather) or are difficult to change (like the general condition of the road); seldom about people, although objectively seen people are the most worthy subject of complaining and grumbling. Badly used energy!

Of course I know that grumbling turns inwards and I only hurt myself, but it sometimes feels good to let frustration out. There my blog comes in; what a perfect way to whine! I will try to give it a positive turn to announce what I am doing about it (I try ...)

Today it was a beautiful day and I decided to take my bike to go to my course in Leiden. The sun was shining and the wind was blowing head on (first annoyance). One way it is 15 kilometers, so easily done in one hour. But then it starts: bicycle lanes that are blocked by delivery vans, traffic lights that some to last twice as long for bicycles as for cars, road works in which cars are offered convenient diversion but bicycles have to look after themselves, bumpy rides on uneven paving stones (the earphones of my Ipod were falling out every five minutes), pedestrians who are not paying attention and so on and on.

Holland is a bicycle country and we are lucky to have an extensive network of bicycle lanes. But even on a beautiful day like today the roads are crowded by cars; is it in all cases really necessary to take the car? I imagine it is laziness or busy schedules that for the majority are the reasons to drive; what about thinking green (or is this a typical new years' resolution?).

OK; that is the frustration. What can I do about it? Not much I am afraid; I am politically active, but I have switched my working group from transport to democracy and management (oops ...). The only thing I can do is to stop complaining and just enjoy the beautiful day. What the others do is their concern; they will feel it financially (ha!) and they got the traffic jams. And I could buy more convenient earphones. If I have got the money that is ....

A WEIRD EXPERIENCE

One of the weirdest experiences of my life was the day I went to see Lenin's mummified corpse at the Lenin Mausoleum at Red Square in Moscow. Picture a big brown box and a long queue of people waiting in front of it; most of them Russians, but also tourists. In small groups we were directed towards the entrance of the brown box by grim looking soldiers. Then, we were allowed in and in the middle of the dark room is a large glass box in full light with a weird looking body lying in it. It remains a mysterious place, the more because people are not allowed to take pictures.

Next Monday is the last day that I will go to Leiden University for my Russian-Studies course. The main objective of this course is to illustrate that the main leaders Russia has had over the years (Ivan the Terrible, Peter the Great, Nicholas II, Lenin, Gorbatsjov, Yeltsin, Putin and all the others) all are leaders with a typical Russian characteristic: the welfare of the ruler and his "surroundings" is supreme and the people are expected to adapt for the prospect of national glory. The concept of property is relatively new to Russia and the people still have to get used to it; the ruling elite has control of the resources.

At first I considered it rather adventurous to bring all these very different people under one common denominator; are Ivan the Terrible and Yeltsin, Stalin and Peter the Great comparable? But in the end they all used their power with manipulation, discharging parliaments, assassinating critical journalists or opponents and other tricks of the trade to stay in power. Most of the mentioned rulers might not have been that much fun to live or work with (maybe after a few wodka in case of Yeltsin), but they are without doubt very fascinating.

Over the years I read a few books on Lenin and biographies of Stalin and Chroestsjov (I wrote about that before) and today I even saw the history of the Russian Revolution as a comic in a shop window downtown (had no money on me to buy it though). Reading all these books and knowing the history of Russia and the Soviet-Union made seeing Lenin in Moscow so weird. This is actually the person that had such an impact on the history of the world and you can almost touch him. And although weird, he still looks lifelike as if he would be asleep like Cinderella.

(The most striking thing was that he is actually very small; somehow you expect a person of his importance to be more impressive)

For rounding off my Russian course I have downloaded some footage of several leaders of Russia; thank god for subtitles. Anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2b-Cfe7fPok
CORONATION OF TSAR NICHOLAS II (footage of 1896 !!)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzf3FRSbEUk
SPEECH LENIN - 1919



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLqplbwD644
SPEECH STALIN - 1937

PERSONAL MISSION

Once you pass the age of 40, you start thinking about the meaning of it all. Some call it a midlife crisis, but to call giving a meaning to your life a crisis goes a little too far. Just refocusing on the direction you want to take; in my case it is more than refocusing - burn the focus of the past and totally replace it with a new one.

And what is the meaning? I am looking for it for a long time now and I still have not found it. Maybe to feel at peace with yourself and listen to the drive you have within you. Is there more? I have looked at this issue from every angle there is; over and over again. What are my talents, my skills, my inherent qualities, my passion? Like everyone I have got my talents and all the other things, but it did not lead to any comfort, passion or a sense of belonging.

I have tried self-help books, counsellors, coaches, friends and family to give me inspiration, but in the end it all boils down to yourself. Every idea and suggestion has to ripen in your head and in your heart and then you make a decision yourself. Your surroundings only provide the ingredients. I have cooked so often now and the result is still not to my liking. Everytime I start the process all over again with the hope that the cooking now leads to the desired result. Marc, this does not work !!! I want wisdom, energy, joy.

Change the ingredients, change the way you think, change the environment. Life is full of surprises, live day by day and let your internal system be inventive. Bitter makes the worst things come back. Never.

PREFAB SPROUT - LIFE OF SURPRISES

MORNING CHILD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haf6O02DCQ8

4HERO - MORNING CHILD

The last weeks I have downloaded all my favorite tunes on I-tunes and from there to my I-pod, which I bought in San Francisco. Every time I listen to my I-pod I notice that these songs are the really me: these are the songs I like and I do not care what others think of it. If you like something, you want to share it. 4Hero is one of my favourites; Les Fleur is a hidden treasure and also some of the other songs touch me, especially if they are sung by Carina Andersson. Morning Child is one of them.

Of course downloading them from Youtube does not work - I get sick of it.

LET'S BE CLEAR

A few weeks ago I reported that I joined the local working group on transport of my political party D66. I went to their first meeting and I must admit that I was a little disappointed. It was all too "technical" and I could do too little with my principles and beliefs; these were my main reason to join in the first place.


After I was contacted by several other local working groups I have decided to switch to the new working group on democracy and citizenship. Although I have not met the people in this working group yet (the first meeting is next week), I have got a good feeling that we will make something of it. At least I can work with my main principles and beliefs.


The last few days I thought: "OK, I am talking about principles and beliefs, but what are they?"' (good question, isn't it?). I sat down with a piece of paper and wrote what my main goals and principles are in relation to local democracy and living in an international city. Here is what I came up with:

1. The citizens of The Hague should be treated as individuals, not as members of a group (family, church, ethnic minority, sexual minority, etc.); everyone should be treated with respect and is responsible for his or her own development; respect for one-another should be the leading principle;


2. The city of The Hague should support those individuals who cannot make use of their rights because they are discriminated or lack specific knowledge, f.e. language courses for immigrants, protection for people who suffer from domestic violence, support for gays against discrimination;


3. Religion must be regarded as a private matter; religious organizations should receive no support from the city council; discriminatory statements based on religious freedom should not be tolerated; support to churches should be limited to support for the conservation of cultural heritage;


4. Integration of ethnic groups must not be regarded as a goal in itself but as a means to create a tolerant, live-able and durable society; integration cannot be forced upon people; the city should no longer support segregation by financing separate societies, organisations, etc. which solely support contacts among members of a specific group; these activities should be financed and organised with other means; supported organisations should at least have clearly defined goals and regularly be controlled thoroughly;


5. Living in a city must be made simpler and easier for all; less regulation, less bureaucracy, less prohibitions; new prohibitions, etc. should only be introduced if effective enforcement by police etcetera can be guaranteed; soft drugs should be legalized; better coordination between city institutions, more attention for quality instead of quantity and better use of the modern means of communication (internet);


6. The Hague is an international city, where individuals of every country and ethnic group should find a pleasant home; large groups see The Hague as a temporary home and do not invest in the society - more activities should be directed at the growing number of expats and their needs;


7. Initiatives in the city can only be taken in cooperation with the communities in the region Haaglanden; initiatives to enhance this cooperation leading to a more (cost-)efficient and effective policy must be taken; better use of best practices in comparable cities in The Netherlands, Europe and around the World;


8. I am sceptical about the possibilities to involve all citizens; the turn-out for elections, referenda, etc. are disappointing and it seems "pulling a dead horse" to get all citizens interested in issues; when people are not interested in making use of their basic rights as citizens, f.e. vote, it is not a good thing to introduce referenda; referenda cost a lot of money, only extreme groups are interested in the outcome and the turn-out is usually too low to actually force the city council to follow the result; referenda should only be used if there is a clear choice between two alternatives (not yes or no, but option A and option B); city council should take their responsibility and make a decision;


9. All initiatives to increase dynamism and diversity must be welcomed.

I wrote this down in 10 minutes and I am sure that I have not thought things fully through; there is room for improvement in a later stage.

A HEAD FULL OF WOOL

The last few days I was not feeling to well. I got a cold and that comes always to me in three phases:

- I: my throat aches;

- II: my nose starts to run;

- III: I have got to cough and can not speak;

At this moment phase two is ending and phase three already has started. Very nice !! It is like having a head full of wool or like a brick in your head. I have got to hold on for several more days and then I am the old me.

This post might not be that interesting for you, but at the moment this is what I am going through. This is life as well.

IT IS TOUGH TO BE DIFFERENT

On several occasions I have written that this blog should not be a blog on gay issues. But on the sites I visit there is so much that touches me, that I have to write about it. This time an opinion article on the NY Times web page called "Dude, you have got problems".

http://warner.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/16/who-are-you-calling-gay/#comment-82839

I have written a comment on this:

"It takes courage to be different these days! As a gay man you are constantly confronted with opinions on how the world sees you and, for a considerable part, condemns you. It is not easy but you get used to it.
The fact that some boys are calling other boys “gay” (which is not typically American by the way) of course has to do with showing off each other’s toughness but the fact that this in their opinion has to be done by putting down gays has to be qualified as homophobia. It is not either / or; it is both.
One should recognize that it is the easy way out to adapt to the mainstream. Straight people do not have to find the courage to come out and to find their way in our hetero-dominated society. It is tough to be different!"

GO FOR IT, GIRL!

After a short break (sorry for that!) I like to come back to you with a positive post. I never watch TV talent shows like Idols and the X-factor, because all the contestants seem so mainstream and commercialized. Therefore it is refreshening when someone out of the sidelines defeates them all! Watch Susan Boyle; it is a musical song (I hate musical!) and she looks terrible, but watch the jury and the audience when she starts to sing. Ha!! Looks is not everything and you should not be prejudiced. That is the message.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2009/apr/16/susan-boyle-britains-got-talent

SUSAN BOYLE - I DREAMED A DREAM

FIRST DAY OF SPRING

http://www.flickr.com/photos/martinsr/3337471271/

Every year it is a special feeling if you can open all the doors and windows of your apartment and breath some fresh air. Today was for me the first day I was able to do that without getting sick of the draft, my carpet wet by the rain or my fingers freezing off by the cold. It was even possible to sit on my balcony to enjoy the sun.

Therefore today, not a post with much content or meaning: simply, enjoy the day and let good feelings enter. Today was also the second day of my newly introduced scheme to speed up looking for a new job; the latest idea is to imagine that my job is to find a new job; so I will start my day at my desk at nine and work until twelve. After a lunch break (2 hours may seem a little bit long, but hey, there is more to life than work) I return to my desk for the afternoon session from two to five.

OK; it is only my second day, but until now it worked; although I start my day with reading some motivational texts to get me, oh wonder, motivated. Let's see how it works in the long run. I have tried now every trick in the book to get going and I know every trick to sabotage myself. This might be an interesting future post, but today I won't let me ruin my day by highlighting my own inefficiency.

The Hague is slowly getting to normal again, after a first day of spring and a hectic Afghanistan conference in town. Helicopters are flying the whole day to keep an eye on the safety in the city and the police is blocking roads and crossings to get delegations to and from the conference. Maybe they have got time tonight to look for the Labrador of Hillary Clinton, which has escaped and is still missing.

CHECKING REGISTRATIONS

The last few weeks I have started to take my political activities up a notch. With the European elections and the community elections coming up this year and next year the political parties are taking up their campaigning activities and so does the party that I joined a year or two ago, D66. As a social-liberal party they have the following guidelines for their political points of view:

- trust in the self-relying power of people;

- think and act international;

- reward performance and share prosperity;

- strive for a sustainable and harmonious society;

- cherish the fundamental rights and shared values;

On paper this is beautiful and very impressive, but in practice it is not always easy to act in line with all these guidelines. In essence, it is completely in line with my own views as a liberal with high regard for the person of the individual in our current society. I joined a working group on public transport in the city of The Hague; I volunteered to be president of a voting office here in town for the European elections on the 4th of June of this year and I volunteered to write some texts for the campaign for the European elections. I would have liked to have contributed to the special D66-web log on the 4th of June but it is not possible and not democratically sound to combine contributing to a web log and president of a voting office. You have to keep these activities carefully separated.

Our member in the European Parliament, Sophie in 't Veld has been very active in the field of gay rights on a European level; she was even arrested during a demonstration in Moscow. I am confident that she will be again chosen to be an MEP; if we can rely on the polls she will be joined by someone else. She will receive my vote because she is also very active in the field of privacy protection, especially vis-à-vis the US.

Later more on my activities.

ELECTRONIC WAVE

It is time for some music again. As a fan of electronic music I was surprised that suddenly non-European bands entered the scene with catchy songs. Electronic music seemed exclusively European. These two songs stuck into my mind; although they are relatively similar, they are not from the same band.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMJjF4LHOkY
EMPIRE OF THE SUN - WALKING ON A DREAM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtUI5MC9tVM
MGMT - ELECTRIC FEEL


Once again it does not work to upload the youtube files to my blog; is it me or blogger?

IT'S A SHAME

This morning I read on the website of Der Spiegel, that a study of the University College of London (UCL) among psychotherapists in Britain, had produced some surprising results. One in six therapists (17%) has stated that he/she "helped" patients to reduce gay or lesbian feelings, usually through therapy.


I can tell from my own experience that accepting that you belong to a minority that is discriminated against is not easy. Denying it is in the end more damaging than facing it. The fact that it is not visible to see whether someone is gay or not, does not make it easier. Hide it and do not suffer discrimination or simply do what you want to do or want to feel.


In this struggle you want help and not a therapist who brainwashes you with his/her own discriminative or religious feelings against gays. You have trust in them that they know what they are doing and that the therapy is in your best interest. If you are questioning this or if a therapist is questioning your feelings, leave immediately!! You are not taken seriously.


When I read in the article that one therapist has answered that the sexual act between gays can lead to 'mental damage', is the main reason for Aids and HIV, and is simply perverse I do not understand why such a person is accepted as a licensed psychotherapist. It is simply a sign that we are still not taken serious and looked upon as sick people who must be healed.


I am lucky that I am helped by people who do not try to "heal" me, but support me in the battle and stand beside me. Thank God!!

http://www.spiegel.de/wissenschaft/mensch/0,1518,615701,00.html
http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-244X/9/11/abstract