THAT WAS MY WEEK

It has been a busy week! Normally I would have written some messages, but somehow I did not manage this week. Some events:

• on Friday May 8 I went to see my shrink (oh, how I hate this word) in her practice near Deventer in the east of the Netherlands; normally I see her near Leiden. It was a good session which gave me insight in the situation I am in and the direction I am heading for; I am not ready to write it down on my weblog but I will inform you soon. First I have to digest the decisions I have taken and stick to them;


• on Saturday May 9 I bought a new bicycle with my dad; as I have written my bike was stolen and at first I did not want to buy a new bicycle immediately; but my father convinced me that I really needed a bike to get around (do I?) and we went on a small tour to find a suitable second hand bike; I am really happy with the bike we found: only 125 euros (a 50%-discount) and a good brand; in the meantime my back light came off and my carrier straps snapped, but I am still happy with this temporary solution;


• on Sunday May 10 (a beautiful day by the way) we had a family reunion at my parents' house with my mothers' side of the family - the German side; although I hate to tell over and over again why I am doing what I am doing, it was a very enjoyable day; in the end the thought of it was worse than the actual day; I had to play with all the kids the whole day;


• on Tuesday May 11 back in The Hague I met with my "refugee" from Iraq; we went for a drink in a bar at the beach and had an intense talk about religion (like always) and politics (also like always); but it is always nice to hear from someone with a different perspective and I admire his courage and perseverance;


• on Wednesday May 12 I had an information evening on the upcoming European elections; I volunteered to be a chairman at a polling station and I was informed by the city council on all the formalities and eventualities; I have to reread all the information, because it is very complicated with all the different forms and passports which can be presented; after a 20 years with electronic voting we are going back to voting with the red pencil; let's see how it works out on June 4!!; I am only unhappy that I have to be unpartial...


• on Thursday May 13 I had meetings with my coaches, which was very intense. Because it was a beautiful day I took my new bike for a tour of 30 kilometres; first to Voorburg for session no. 1 and then to Leiden for lunch and then to Oegstgeest for session no.2; under way I met my former secretary, who came from the company doctor - again one strong person who suffered from a burn-out, like 3 of the 4 Management Team-members; OK, I should not get upset, but someone has to do something about it;


• today, Friday May 14 I had an application interview at a recruitment agency; all went well, I am getting more and more comfortable in just being me and I know I can be convincable; Last week I took a decision and I asked Anja, my psychologist, to help me continue along these lines - that makes it more complicated - more later !

Because I had a good week, just a funny picture and my hope that next week will even be better!

WHY?

Why ? An easy question; often difficult to answer.

Yesterday my bike was stolen, while I was having coffee in a cafe; at 2 PM at a busy street. It was well secured. I still have the key, but that is all I have. Someone took my bike but left all the other bikes where they were. Why ?

I went back in to calm myself down and had a drink on the house (thanks !!). They saw that I was shocked. After half an hour I had my act together, left my address in case my bike was found (you'll never know) and went home by tram. Enough time to think about reporting it to the police. With 1 million bikes stolen each year you could ask yourself whether it is worthwile reporting it. I did it anyway, not because of my hope that my bike will be returned but more to give my mind a rest; I could not simply accept the fact that someone took my property. I recognize my bike; if I see someone riding it ...

OK, that was yesterday. Actually I wanted to write about something else in which the question "why?" played a big role. Last week the nation was in shock that someone attempted an attack on Queen Beatrix and her family in Apeldoorn (the birthplace of my grandfather by the way). It was a strange attempt by driving a car through the crowds towards the bus in which the royal family was transported. I doubt whether it was a serious attempt on her life, because there were no explosives found in the car. But 6 members of the public were killed as well as the driver.

Immediately the question rose why and who was the driver ? The fact that the driver was a loner, who lost his job and was evicted from his home was seen somehow as a relief (thank God it is no muslim terrorist !), but on the other hand how can you protect people from someone who is that desperate that he is prepared to do anything.

Although sad, it is and must be one's own choice to end his or her own life. I only wished that he would have looked for help (and if he wanted to do it anyway, choose another way!). The fact that he took the lives of 6 innocent people can not be excused in anyway. What I do not get is the total surprise?

The Queen is a symbol of the state and Dutch society. As such: if you attack the Queen, you attack society. Some people feel so mistreated by society, that they want revenge, and what simpler than attacking the Queen. You can do the utmost to prevent such attacks, but I am convinced that if someone wants it desperately there is no 100% security.

People deal differently with a personal crisis. For example: one can suffer from a severe depression, one can resort to violence or one can simply accept and go on. I have experienced personal crisis in different stages of my life and I can see the pain someone must have had to actually do this. Do not get me wrong: it is your own personal crisis and others should not suffer from it !!

In such a situation it can be very difficult to be confronted with the wealthy, happy and beautiful people, again symbolized by the Royal Family. "I want to have that, but I have nothing and I will never be someone". You can get so angry that, that someone without self-control is willing to do anything to hurt society.

If you have never experienced a several personal crisis it might be difficult to understand. But society is not for everyone that happy, beautiful and OK world ("Heile Welt") all the time - if you do not see that, you are either ignorant or not capable to feel empathy. I know it is harsh, but I mean well.

Remember what happened yesterday.

THE DAILY ANNOYANCE

At least once every day I get annoyed with daily life and start to grumble. Mostly it is about things that cannot be changed (like the weather) or are difficult to change (like the general condition of the road); seldom about people, although objectively seen people are the most worthy subject of complaining and grumbling. Badly used energy!

Of course I know that grumbling turns inwards and I only hurt myself, but it sometimes feels good to let frustration out. There my blog comes in; what a perfect way to whine! I will try to give it a positive turn to announce what I am doing about it (I try ...)

Today it was a beautiful day and I decided to take my bike to go to my course in Leiden. The sun was shining and the wind was blowing head on (first annoyance). One way it is 15 kilometers, so easily done in one hour. But then it starts: bicycle lanes that are blocked by delivery vans, traffic lights that some to last twice as long for bicycles as for cars, road works in which cars are offered convenient diversion but bicycles have to look after themselves, bumpy rides on uneven paving stones (the earphones of my Ipod were falling out every five minutes), pedestrians who are not paying attention and so on and on.

Holland is a bicycle country and we are lucky to have an extensive network of bicycle lanes. But even on a beautiful day like today the roads are crowded by cars; is it in all cases really necessary to take the car? I imagine it is laziness or busy schedules that for the majority are the reasons to drive; what about thinking green (or is this a typical new years' resolution?).

OK; that is the frustration. What can I do about it? Not much I am afraid; I am politically active, but I have switched my working group from transport to democracy and management (oops ...). The only thing I can do is to stop complaining and just enjoy the beautiful day. What the others do is their concern; they will feel it financially (ha!) and they got the traffic jams. And I could buy more convenient earphones. If I have got the money that is ....

A WEIRD EXPERIENCE

One of the weirdest experiences of my life was the day I went to see Lenin's mummified corpse at the Lenin Mausoleum at Red Square in Moscow. Picture a big brown box and a long queue of people waiting in front of it; most of them Russians, but also tourists. In small groups we were directed towards the entrance of the brown box by grim looking soldiers. Then, we were allowed in and in the middle of the dark room is a large glass box in full light with a weird looking body lying in it. It remains a mysterious place, the more because people are not allowed to take pictures.

Next Monday is the last day that I will go to Leiden University for my Russian-Studies course. The main objective of this course is to illustrate that the main leaders Russia has had over the years (Ivan the Terrible, Peter the Great, Nicholas II, Lenin, Gorbatsjov, Yeltsin, Putin and all the others) all are leaders with a typical Russian characteristic: the welfare of the ruler and his "surroundings" is supreme and the people are expected to adapt for the prospect of national glory. The concept of property is relatively new to Russia and the people still have to get used to it; the ruling elite has control of the resources.

At first I considered it rather adventurous to bring all these very different people under one common denominator; are Ivan the Terrible and Yeltsin, Stalin and Peter the Great comparable? But in the end they all used their power with manipulation, discharging parliaments, assassinating critical journalists or opponents and other tricks of the trade to stay in power. Most of the mentioned rulers might not have been that much fun to live or work with (maybe after a few wodka in case of Yeltsin), but they are without doubt very fascinating.

Over the years I read a few books on Lenin and biographies of Stalin and Chroestsjov (I wrote about that before) and today I even saw the history of the Russian Revolution as a comic in a shop window downtown (had no money on me to buy it though). Reading all these books and knowing the history of Russia and the Soviet-Union made seeing Lenin in Moscow so weird. This is actually the person that had such an impact on the history of the world and you can almost touch him. And although weird, he still looks lifelike as if he would be asleep like Cinderella.

(The most striking thing was that he is actually very small; somehow you expect a person of his importance to be more impressive)

For rounding off my Russian course I have downloaded some footage of several leaders of Russia; thank god for subtitles. Anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2b-Cfe7fPok
CORONATION OF TSAR NICHOLAS II (footage of 1896 !!)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzf3FRSbEUk
SPEECH LENIN - 1919



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLqplbwD644
SPEECH STALIN - 1937

PERSONAL MISSION

Once you pass the age of 40, you start thinking about the meaning of it all. Some call it a midlife crisis, but to call giving a meaning to your life a crisis goes a little too far. Just refocusing on the direction you want to take; in my case it is more than refocusing - burn the focus of the past and totally replace it with a new one.

And what is the meaning? I am looking for it for a long time now and I still have not found it. Maybe to feel at peace with yourself and listen to the drive you have within you. Is there more? I have looked at this issue from every angle there is; over and over again. What are my talents, my skills, my inherent qualities, my passion? Like everyone I have got my talents and all the other things, but it did not lead to any comfort, passion or a sense of belonging.

I have tried self-help books, counsellors, coaches, friends and family to give me inspiration, but in the end it all boils down to yourself. Every idea and suggestion has to ripen in your head and in your heart and then you make a decision yourself. Your surroundings only provide the ingredients. I have cooked so often now and the result is still not to my liking. Everytime I start the process all over again with the hope that the cooking now leads to the desired result. Marc, this does not work !!! I want wisdom, energy, joy.

Change the ingredients, change the way you think, change the environment. Life is full of surprises, live day by day and let your internal system be inventive. Bitter makes the worst things come back. Never.

PREFAB SPROUT - LIFE OF SURPRISES

MORNING CHILD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haf6O02DCQ8

4HERO - MORNING CHILD

The last weeks I have downloaded all my favorite tunes on I-tunes and from there to my I-pod, which I bought in San Francisco. Every time I listen to my I-pod I notice that these songs are the really me: these are the songs I like and I do not care what others think of it. If you like something, you want to share it. 4Hero is one of my favourites; Les Fleur is a hidden treasure and also some of the other songs touch me, especially if they are sung by Carina Andersson. Morning Child is one of them.

Of course downloading them from Youtube does not work - I get sick of it.