GOODBYE

Dear reader,

This is my last entry on this blog. I have enjoyed writing on it, but somehow my inspiration has run out and I am reconsidering my options. I will be back in another form soon. Thanks for reading,

Marc

IN COLD BLOOD

TRUMAN CAPOTE - IN COLD BLOOD

Like so many other readers of books, I have to buy books, read them and stock them in my apartment; throwing away a book is in my opinion a sin, especially if you enjoyed reading it. Over the years I have created a sense of which books I actually like to read and I must say I almost never buy a book that I dislike. And if so, bad luck - I can not dump the book anyway.

Modern literature by young male writers I enjoy most; not that female writers can't write but if I look through my library there are hundreds of books, but only about 3 or 4 by female writers. I suppose the subjects or style of the books do not suit me - for example I would never buy a book on illnesses or other tear-jerkers.

There is only one book I read cover to cover in one go: "In cold blood" by Truman Capote. Although the storyline was known beforehand I never read anything as catchy and fascinating as this novel based on an article in the New York Times on the murder of a family of four in the tiny village of Holcombe in Kansas in 1959, so 50 years ago.

Truman Capote started to write just days after the tragic event happened and had many talks with the actual murderers, who were caught after a hunt down of several months and sentenced to the electric chair. It seems that the flamboyant Truman Capote was so caught up in this story that he was not able to write another work of importance after "In cold blood" and died as an alcoholic and drug-addict in 1984. The book itself was published after 9 years of research in 1965.

It is fascinating to read about two killers and the family Clutter, who seem to have no connection at all and are doing their own thing. Then you see them physically move towards eachother, which culminates in the actual killing of the family. After that act the lines diverge again and the hunt for the killers starts.

Although you know exactly where the story is heading to (the article in the NY Times is in the introduction of the book), the tension is tangible on every page of the book. A must-read for everyone.

What am I reading now: "A spot of bother" by Mark Haddon - a very enjoyable family history with a lot of subtle humor in it. Maybe on that one later.

PICASSO, CEZANNE, MONDRIAAN

Tuesday I went to a new exhibition on paintings on Picasso, Cezanne and Mondriaan in the Gemeentemuseum in The Hague. An exhibition which received huge attention in the media and was opened by the Queen Friday a week ago. So I was curious to see what actually was exposed. I must honestly say that it was a disappointment; as a regular visitor of the museum I recognized a lot of the works exhibited, although some works of mainly Cezanne were added.

Cezanne, widely recognized as the first painter of modern art at the end of the 19th century, is not one of my favourites. Of course it is high quality painting and ground-breaking for the impressionist movement later, but it does not stick in my mind or touches my heart. Picasso is more to my liking, but the Picasso-exhibition of a few months ago was more impressive and more exhaustive. Mondriaan is very recognizable, but once I knew the philosophy behind his paintings in my modern art course (the search for the perfect composition), it became annoying.

The exhibition attracts a lot of people and I suppose for visitors who do not come to The Hague that often a lot of the works shown are new and intresting.

A SURPRISE I WAS NOT WAITING FOR

I usually like surprises, because they make your day more worthwhile and break with the routine. In my search for a new job I was offered a job at the City Council of The Hague and although I made clear that this job is not suitable for me, I was invited for a job interview and another one, in which I was extremely critical. Still they want me ! What to do ? Of course I am flattered but I think it is still wise not to accept the job offer, unless ... That is why I requested another interview. Let's see what happens; maybe I can model this job to my wishes.

KRAPP'S LAST TAPE

Last Tuesday I have visited with a friend the performance of a play by Beckett called "Krapp's Last Tape". As most of Beckett's plays it is not a uplifting and sparkling song and dance. As an hour and a half monologue of an elderly male who looks back on his life by listening to tapes he recorded on each of his birthdays, it was very confronting and intense. All those missed opportunities and bad memories ! Somehow it was also very confronting and recognisable to me !

At first I thought it would not be a very good idea to go to a very depressing piece, but the recension in the newspaper that it was very well performed, highly confronting and absurdist / post-modern convinced me that it is a performance I would like. As such I love plays that are not down-to-earth or mainstream and it is not essential to understand everything. It should make you think what is in it for me and that is for everyone different.

And it is uncomfortable: long silences, no music, only one actor, slow pace. With the absurdistic elements and the outbursts of uncontrolled emotions a challenge ! But I thought Steven van Watermeulen as Krapp was very intense and convincing. Worth seeing. And personally I like to go to the Royal Theatre in The Hague; it is very festive and elegant.

BEING BORING

As a child I have heard from my father often the remark "you are boring" if I was not willing to do what he liked me to. That is why "being boring" always reminds me of a childhood I did not want. To help me get over this trauma there is this song. "Being boring" by the Pet Shop Boys; a classy video and a nice song - a true inheritance of the 90s. Being boring (am I ?) was never that interesting and I do not care what anyone says.

PET SHOP BOYS - BEING BORING

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMtPu6QyRzQ

HOW TO ACHIEVE AUTHENTICITY ?

The last few weeks I focused again on a question that engages my mind already for a couple of years now. How to achieve authenticity and how to lead the life you really, really, really want deep inside? Not an easy task because we are trained like little monkeys to adapt to the life society wants us to lead.

Especially for us gays it is a question that is central in our lifes. I remember an article in the newspaper that the British secret intelligence agency MI6 was especially keen on hiring gays because we are masters in adapting to a role to play in a "hostile" world.

Everyone has inside a psychological drive to individuate, to actualize, to manifest the unique and authentic self that you are; at least I think so. Every time we act not in accordance to the authentic self we feel desperation, alienation and meaningless; don't tell me, I have experienced it. Like last month as I quit my job after a month; it lead to emotional pains and were in contradiction to authenticity. OK, leave it behind.

It takes courage to live your own life - mainly because nobody tells us how to do this. Parents, society and school in most cases fail to take up this challenge. That is why I went on the internet to look specifically for essential skills that help me lead the life I want. I came across a list which is in my opinion quite accurate and which I want to share with you (source: www.whole-person-counseling.com):

- PRESENCE - being, present in the moment, with your direct experience of your self and life;

- FOCUSING - sensing into your felt sense of the unfolding self;

- WHOLENESS - radical permissiveness for the experience of and embrace of all of your nature;

- SELF-ACCEPTANCE - reconciliation to the givenness of your self and your life as it is;

- SELF-ESTEEM - valuing your self and the givenness of your nature;

- LIVING AS PROCESS - living as a dynamic, vital process, not a static conceptual identity;

- VALUES CLARIFICATION - defining your own values, beliefs, opinions, and postures in life;

- UNIQUENESS - comprehending the difference you are and the value that your difference is;

- BOUNDARIES - distinguishing you to yourself, your relationships, and your world;

- PERSONAL AUTONOMY - inner or self-direction and self-regulation;

- AGENCY - living as the cause, not the effect of your life;

- PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY - being accountable for your life as it is and it is not;

- WILL - applying intention to self-directed purpose;

- CHOICE - the privilege and responsibility of creating your life through your conscious choice;

- DECISION MAKING - formal skills of decision making;

- COMMITMENT - passionate commitment of your abilities and resources to the authentic life you choose to live;

- SELF-ASSERTION - expressing your self in the world as the difference you are;

Quite a list and a lot of work still to do ! And this all to achieve a state that should be natural to all of us: "authenticity is the degree to which one is true to one's own personality, spirit or character, despite external forces, pressures and influences which are different from, and other than, itself" (wikipedia). Following the emotional pains I suffered in the past it might be time to choose not for the safe choices but for the growth choices; what other choice do I have ?