HOW TO ACHIEVE AUTHENTICITY ?

The last few weeks I focused again on a question that engages my mind already for a couple of years now. How to achieve authenticity and how to lead the life you really, really, really want deep inside? Not an easy task because we are trained like little monkeys to adapt to the life society wants us to lead.

Especially for us gays it is a question that is central in our lifes. I remember an article in the newspaper that the British secret intelligence agency MI6 was especially keen on hiring gays because we are masters in adapting to a role to play in a "hostile" world.

Everyone has inside a psychological drive to individuate, to actualize, to manifest the unique and authentic self that you are; at least I think so. Every time we act not in accordance to the authentic self we feel desperation, alienation and meaningless; don't tell me, I have experienced it. Like last month as I quit my job after a month; it lead to emotional pains and were in contradiction to authenticity. OK, leave it behind.

It takes courage to live your own life - mainly because nobody tells us how to do this. Parents, society and school in most cases fail to take up this challenge. That is why I went on the internet to look specifically for essential skills that help me lead the life I want. I came across a list which is in my opinion quite accurate and which I want to share with you (source: www.whole-person-counseling.com):

- PRESENCE - being, present in the moment, with your direct experience of your self and life;

- FOCUSING - sensing into your felt sense of the unfolding self;

- WHOLENESS - radical permissiveness for the experience of and embrace of all of your nature;

- SELF-ACCEPTANCE - reconciliation to the givenness of your self and your life as it is;

- SELF-ESTEEM - valuing your self and the givenness of your nature;

- LIVING AS PROCESS - living as a dynamic, vital process, not a static conceptual identity;

- VALUES CLARIFICATION - defining your own values, beliefs, opinions, and postures in life;

- UNIQUENESS - comprehending the difference you are and the value that your difference is;

- BOUNDARIES - distinguishing you to yourself, your relationships, and your world;

- PERSONAL AUTONOMY - inner or self-direction and self-regulation;

- AGENCY - living as the cause, not the effect of your life;

- PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY - being accountable for your life as it is and it is not;

- WILL - applying intention to self-directed purpose;

- CHOICE - the privilege and responsibility of creating your life through your conscious choice;

- DECISION MAKING - formal skills of decision making;

- COMMITMENT - passionate commitment of your abilities and resources to the authentic life you choose to live;

- SELF-ASSERTION - expressing your self in the world as the difference you are;

Quite a list and a lot of work still to do ! And this all to achieve a state that should be natural to all of us: "authenticity is the degree to which one is true to one's own personality, spirit or character, despite external forces, pressures and influences which are different from, and other than, itself" (wikipedia). Following the emotional pains I suffered in the past it might be time to choose not for the safe choices but for the growth choices; what other choice do I have ?

WRITING IS SEDUCING

This week I read in my newspaper De Volkskrant an interview with Swiss/British writer Alain de Botton in which I recognized a lot of myself and my way of thinking. This interview was published as promotion for his book The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work (Ode aan de arbeid) in which he deals with the question why people want to be happy in the work that they do.

Especially the fact that he does not envie people for their profession as such, but that he envies them for the capacity to be happy and content with their work, I recognize. I would have loved to have this passion; it is difficult to learn - either you have or you have not. That people can be happy to get to work at 8 and leave at 5 and that is OK for them; without any specific goals or events. That is unbelievable for me; luckily we are not all the same.

De Botton says that he poses himself over and over the question how to be meaningful as a writer and how to make a difference. By writing about his own feelings he tries to hit the feelings of his readers, which leads in the end to a sort of long-distance friendship writer-reader. By writing about his feelings he wants to create order in a chaotic mind. He can only do so by writing honestly about his feelings and being vulnerable. On a smaller scale I like to do the same; in fact I would like people to read my blog (that reminds me: I have to do some marketing!), but the effect of creating order is present just by writing it down and being honest to yourself. What you read is what you get !

I was amused by the statement that he associates intellectuals with neuroses and that intellectuals are anxious people; may be I am living proof. Not everyone is practical and rational. But thinking also leads to some comfort - De Botton says that it actually helps to read works of pessimistic philosophers like Schopenhauer if you are feeling down. In any case it does not help to read the overenthousiastic and optimistic American selfhelp literature; those works seem rather naive and far-fetched if you are not in your most hopeful mood.

A good idea of him was to start a School of Life, which deals with life lessons concerning work, love, family etcetera, with the ultimate goal of not only discussing life but also changing life. That is what I call a good idea; I would have loved to join and to learn. Give us more of these thoughts !

Source (only in Dutch):

http://www.volkskrant.nl/kunst/article1138708.ece/Alain_de_Botton_is_als_Kuifje_in_werkland

CREATIVITY AND COURAGE

Creativity and courage is what I need for 2009 and the rest of my life. Creativity to make my plans for the future and forget about the past and courage to leave the past behind and make a fresh new start. Especially courage is the key word: the strength from within to take the necessary steps and to go forward, irrespective of what everybody else says or does. I need all my faith, all my talents and all my instincts. Once again.


Last week I had a job interview in Amsterdam and the interview went well. Good hopes that a second interview will follow. But immediately that doubt; is this the job for which I went through all this painful hassle the last few years ? Is there more ? And this even before I am in the position to say "yes" or "no"! A lot still has to happen. Am I in a position to say "no" ?


This afternoon I discussed this with my career coach and it became a lengthy and emotional discussion (at least for me). I was confronted with my way of thinking and the desperate situation I am in. Not things I want to hear, because I know it (but R., I still disagree that I am cynical !!). May be I am too hopeful and too often disappointed - cynical has become realistic ... or is that cynical ?


Soon I will be back with my progress and without doubt some positive news (no cynism by the way).

TODAY I AM SAD

Dear reader,

I made a promise to myself to only write positive things on my weblog and I do not want to break that promise. But today I am sad; not just a little bit sad - you could say very sad. I can not ignore it; it is a part of me which I can not deny and which has partly made me to what I am today. A simple Monday; the weather is grey - everyone is going to work and I am just thinking: "what is the use of it all ?". In a few weeks another year will start and I will say to myself "this is going to be my year" and the intentions and the drive are there, but no one is waiting for me and I do not want to depend on the saddening world around me. I want also change !! Some fresh new people, ideals, drive, passion, companionship and the next year I am sure I will work to get these. Sometimes though all hope leaves me and this is one of those days. It will go better in a few days, I know as well. How can I get back on track and be true to myself:

• spend some time getting to know myself;


• act;


• conquer fear: take risks;


• stand up for myself;


• set personal goals;


• express my emotions;


• learn from - or let go of - mistakes;


• do things on my own - do not rely on others to make you feel good;


• do not compare myself to others;


• associate with people who affirm who you are;


• learn to say "no";


• practice truthfulness;


• practice positive affirmations;


• find things I enjoy;


• use visualization techniques;


• enhance my ability to cope with stress;


• shun perfectionism;


• make a list of my accomplishments;


• live in the moment;


• do things for others;

OK, I have got it. Let's do it !! Next time I feel better. Till then,

Marc

GLOBAL CRISIS IN THE KITCHEN

Just as I sat down at my desk to write my first real post on how to deal with the global crisis (why not start with the big issues), my fire-alarm went off and there it was: my own personal crisis which needed immediate action. No time to consult the neighbors, the fire brigade, my mother or whoever; I had to deal with a (small) fire in my kitchen myself. Luckily it was quite easy to put it out, but the whole kitchen was filled with smoke and it had such an impact that for the rest of the day I was still shaking: what if the fire alarm would not have gone off or when I would have left my apartment?

OK; this experience made me think. What is it different from the current global financial crisis ? You have a situation that is getting overheated, nobody to control the process, it turns into a fire, the alarms go off, "oh my god" what is happening, fear and panic, drastic measures are taken, the fire is put out, you take a deep breath, you start cleaning up and assess the damage, how could you have been so stupid to let this happen and you take measures to prevent it for the future. It is as simple as that. And we do not need bystanders (read journalists) that constantly tell us how bad it is and that it will even get worse.

As an experienced sufferer of depressions and anxiety attacks I know the influence a constant flow of dramatic messages can have on your psyche. In the past and, in a rare case, even today I let myself get carried away and I slide down the slippery slope; I have now the techniques to counter these attacks (so don't worry) but it still reminds me to be cautious and do not let others overdramatized anxieties rule my thinking. I am the master of my thoughts.

It is not possible to ignore all the signals from the media; even if you do not hear or read them, you can still feel them. And it is not wise too ignore those signs; use them to your own advantage. Sift casually through the information to see what you need and simply take action if you think it is appropriate. The mind is powerful but without action it is more of a burden than a help. Easier said than done ... I still have to learn (... a lot).

There is plenty of time in the future to wonder why you back in 2008 entrusted all your money to that flashy 25-year broker in his € 3.000 Armani suit driving around in a Porsche, who can hardly have experienced the real value of money and takes financial risks that are irresponsible. Or that beautiful Icelandic savings' account for a lousy 1% extra interest.

Then you can laugh about it.