BEING BORING

As a child I have heard from my father often the remark "you are boring" if I was not willing to do what he liked me to. That is why "being boring" always reminds me of a childhood I did not want. To help me get over this trauma there is this song. "Being boring" by the Pet Shop Boys; a classy video and a nice song - a true inheritance of the 90s. Being boring (am I ?) was never that interesting and I do not care what anyone says.

PET SHOP BOYS - BEING BORING

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMtPu6QyRzQ

HOW TO ACHIEVE AUTHENTICITY ?

The last few weeks I focused again on a question that engages my mind already for a couple of years now. How to achieve authenticity and how to lead the life you really, really, really want deep inside? Not an easy task because we are trained like little monkeys to adapt to the life society wants us to lead.

Especially for us gays it is a question that is central in our lifes. I remember an article in the newspaper that the British secret intelligence agency MI6 was especially keen on hiring gays because we are masters in adapting to a role to play in a "hostile" world.

Everyone has inside a psychological drive to individuate, to actualize, to manifest the unique and authentic self that you are; at least I think so. Every time we act not in accordance to the authentic self we feel desperation, alienation and meaningless; don't tell me, I have experienced it. Like last month as I quit my job after a month; it lead to emotional pains and were in contradiction to authenticity. OK, leave it behind.

It takes courage to live your own life - mainly because nobody tells us how to do this. Parents, society and school in most cases fail to take up this challenge. That is why I went on the internet to look specifically for essential skills that help me lead the life I want. I came across a list which is in my opinion quite accurate and which I want to share with you (source: www.whole-person-counseling.com):

- PRESENCE - being, present in the moment, with your direct experience of your self and life;

- FOCUSING - sensing into your felt sense of the unfolding self;

- WHOLENESS - radical permissiveness for the experience of and embrace of all of your nature;

- SELF-ACCEPTANCE - reconciliation to the givenness of your self and your life as it is;

- SELF-ESTEEM - valuing your self and the givenness of your nature;

- LIVING AS PROCESS - living as a dynamic, vital process, not a static conceptual identity;

- VALUES CLARIFICATION - defining your own values, beliefs, opinions, and postures in life;

- UNIQUENESS - comprehending the difference you are and the value that your difference is;

- BOUNDARIES - distinguishing you to yourself, your relationships, and your world;

- PERSONAL AUTONOMY - inner or self-direction and self-regulation;

- AGENCY - living as the cause, not the effect of your life;

- PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY - being accountable for your life as it is and it is not;

- WILL - applying intention to self-directed purpose;

- CHOICE - the privilege and responsibility of creating your life through your conscious choice;

- DECISION MAKING - formal skills of decision making;

- COMMITMENT - passionate commitment of your abilities and resources to the authentic life you choose to live;

- SELF-ASSERTION - expressing your self in the world as the difference you are;

Quite a list and a lot of work still to do ! And this all to achieve a state that should be natural to all of us: "authenticity is the degree to which one is true to one's own personality, spirit or character, despite external forces, pressures and influences which are different from, and other than, itself" (wikipedia). Following the emotional pains I suffered in the past it might be time to choose not for the safe choices but for the growth choices; what other choice do I have ?

IT'S A CHALLENGE

This week was the first week in my job. I was dead nervous when I started my job. Last week I met my staff and I was not convinced that I would have a click with all of them. Some of them are much older than I am; do they accept me as their manager ?

I started with some practical things; like starting up my computer, make some basic arrangements with my secretary and made up some small talk with every person I met. We went together to lunch, which was also a positive thing to meet people.

On Tuesday I started personal talks of half an hour with members of my staff; just about what they are doing, how they feel about what they are doing and how they see their position within my new organisation. This was a lot of information which I somehow had to place into the big picture.

Tuesday was also the day of the big interruption of train traffic around Utrecht. A hot day and not being able to get back to home has cost me a lot of energy. I had dinner in a restaurant in Utrecht and after an adventurous trip back with stopovers in Gouda and Rotterdam I finally arrived home in The Hague at 22.15. So there was not much left of my day.

Wednesday and Thursday were very hot and everybody was working half force. I met again the second man of the organisation and had a pleasant talk. He convinced me that I am welcome in the organisation and that I am capable to do the tasks assigned to me. It still is a challenge; surely with my history.

As a gay man I still do not feel safe in the organisation. There are a lot of muslims and hindus working and some of them even wear headscarves (even in my own staff) and those are known not to be the most tolerant against gays. Sometimes I feel strong if my rights might be violated, but I do not want to battle. They have to accept me as much as I accept them. Coming out is still too risky, but I do not want to hide it either.

I started to get more acquainted to Dutch immigration law, because I feel that it is necessary to become accepted by the staff, which totally consists of lawyers and specialists. Specialists always still look down upon generalists - but OK, this is their problem; I see the bigger picture. Next week I finally hope to meet my new director; he seems to be charismatic but difficult to get in contact with. Next week more info.

TIRED

Today I went to Utrecht to meet my new colleagues in the last work meeting under the presidency of my predecessor; those people I am supposed to manage the next year. A lot of information came my way and I was focused on understanding what they were all talking about and I quickly lost track.

And there it was again; can I manage ? am I not falling in the same traps as in previous years ? am I capable enough ? STOP !!; this is not helping - STAY CALM AND IT WILL BE OK !! It is not necessary to understand it all at this stage. Luckily nobody noticed anything; also something I have learned over the years ...

WHY?

Why ? An easy question; often difficult to answer.

Yesterday my bike was stolen, while I was having coffee in a cafe; at 2 PM at a busy street. It was well secured. I still have the key, but that is all I have. Someone took my bike but left all the other bikes where they were. Why ?

I went back in to calm myself down and had a drink on the house (thanks !!). They saw that I was shocked. After half an hour I had my act together, left my address in case my bike was found (you'll never know) and went home by tram. Enough time to think about reporting it to the police. With 1 million bikes stolen each year you could ask yourself whether it is worthwile reporting it. I did it anyway, not because of my hope that my bike will be returned but more to give my mind a rest; I could not simply accept the fact that someone took my property. I recognize my bike; if I see someone riding it ...

OK, that was yesterday. Actually I wanted to write about something else in which the question "why?" played a big role. Last week the nation was in shock that someone attempted an attack on Queen Beatrix and her family in Apeldoorn (the birthplace of my grandfather by the way). It was a strange attempt by driving a car through the crowds towards the bus in which the royal family was transported. I doubt whether it was a serious attempt on her life, because there were no explosives found in the car. But 6 members of the public were killed as well as the driver.

Immediately the question rose why and who was the driver ? The fact that the driver was a loner, who lost his job and was evicted from his home was seen somehow as a relief (thank God it is no muslim terrorist !), but on the other hand how can you protect people from someone who is that desperate that he is prepared to do anything.

Although sad, it is and must be one's own choice to end his or her own life. I only wished that he would have looked for help (and if he wanted to do it anyway, choose another way!). The fact that he took the lives of 6 innocent people can not be excused in anyway. What I do not get is the total surprise?

The Queen is a symbol of the state and Dutch society. As such: if you attack the Queen, you attack society. Some people feel so mistreated by society, that they want revenge, and what simpler than attacking the Queen. You can do the utmost to prevent such attacks, but I am convinced that if someone wants it desperately there is no 100% security.

People deal differently with a personal crisis. For example: one can suffer from a severe depression, one can resort to violence or one can simply accept and go on. I have experienced personal crisis in different stages of my life and I can see the pain someone must have had to actually do this. Do not get me wrong: it is your own personal crisis and others should not suffer from it !!

In such a situation it can be very difficult to be confronted with the wealthy, happy and beautiful people, again symbolized by the Royal Family. "I want to have that, but I have nothing and I will never be someone". You can get so angry that, that someone without self-control is willing to do anything to hurt society.

If you have never experienced a several personal crisis it might be difficult to understand. But society is not for everyone that happy, beautiful and OK world ("Heile Welt") all the time - if you do not see that, you are either ignorant or not capable to feel empathy. I know it is harsh, but I mean well.

Remember what happened yesterday.

PERSONAL MISSION

Once you pass the age of 40, you start thinking about the meaning of it all. Some call it a midlife crisis, but to call giving a meaning to your life a crisis goes a little too far. Just refocusing on the direction you want to take; in my case it is more than refocusing - burn the focus of the past and totally replace it with a new one.

And what is the meaning? I am looking for it for a long time now and I still have not found it. Maybe to feel at peace with yourself and listen to the drive you have within you. Is there more? I have looked at this issue from every angle there is; over and over again. What are my talents, my skills, my inherent qualities, my passion? Like everyone I have got my talents and all the other things, but it did not lead to any comfort, passion or a sense of belonging.

I have tried self-help books, counsellors, coaches, friends and family to give me inspiration, but in the end it all boils down to yourself. Every idea and suggestion has to ripen in your head and in your heart and then you make a decision yourself. Your surroundings only provide the ingredients. I have cooked so often now and the result is still not to my liking. Everytime I start the process all over again with the hope that the cooking now leads to the desired result. Marc, this does not work !!! I want wisdom, energy, joy.

Change the ingredients, change the way you think, change the environment. Life is full of surprises, live day by day and let your internal system be inventive. Bitter makes the worst things come back. Never.

PREFAB SPROUT - LIFE OF SURPRISES

A HEAD FULL OF WOOL

The last few days I was not feeling to well. I got a cold and that comes always to me in three phases:

- I: my throat aches;

- II: my nose starts to run;

- III: I have got to cough and can not speak;

At this moment phase two is ending and phase three already has started. Very nice !! It is like having a head full of wool or like a brick in your head. I have got to hold on for several more days and then I am the old me.

This post might not be that interesting for you, but at the moment this is what I am going through. This is life as well.

CONFIDENCE

I am able to choose my behaviour with implicit trust in my behaviour, and knowing that I can deal with whatever happens.

source: http://theconfidenceguyonline.com/

THE CHALLENGE

I have got to stay on track and to keep envision the trajectory I have to follow. As a reminder:

My challenge is:
...to remain calm; in the end everything will be all right
...to relax; do not strain the whole thing;
...to open myself for new experiences;
...to hold on to my dreams and desires; they are feasible;
...to look for my own path;
...to take more and do not feel as a victim;
...to let others share in my experiences;
...to recognize my strenghts and be proud of them;
...to stay in touch with my own motives;
...to get inspiration and pleasure out of the things I do;
...to not look back at what has been;
...to not fall back into old scenarios and ways of thinking;
...to better promote my unique selling points;
...to take more actions and to finish these;
...to be authentic and to stay authentic.

Please give me the strength to follow this path and to conquer all the threats.

WRITING IS SEDUCING

This week I read in my newspaper De Volkskrant an interview with Swiss/British writer Alain de Botton in which I recognized a lot of myself and my way of thinking. This interview was published as promotion for his book The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work (Ode aan de arbeid) in which he deals with the question why people want to be happy in the work that they do.

Especially the fact that he does not envie people for their profession as such, but that he envies them for the capacity to be happy and content with their work, I recognize. I would have loved to have this passion; it is difficult to learn - either you have or you have not. That people can be happy to get to work at 8 and leave at 5 and that is OK for them; without any specific goals or events. That is unbelievable for me; luckily we are not all the same.

De Botton says that he poses himself over and over the question how to be meaningful as a writer and how to make a difference. By writing about his own feelings he tries to hit the feelings of his readers, which leads in the end to a sort of long-distance friendship writer-reader. By writing about his feelings he wants to create order in a chaotic mind. He can only do so by writing honestly about his feelings and being vulnerable. On a smaller scale I like to do the same; in fact I would like people to read my blog (that reminds me: I have to do some marketing!), but the effect of creating order is present just by writing it down and being honest to yourself. What you read is what you get !

I was amused by the statement that he associates intellectuals with neuroses and that intellectuals are anxious people; may be I am living proof. Not everyone is practical and rational. But thinking also leads to some comfort - De Botton says that it actually helps to read works of pessimistic philosophers like Schopenhauer if you are feeling down. In any case it does not help to read the overenthousiastic and optimistic American selfhelp literature; those works seem rather naive and far-fetched if you are not in your most hopeful mood.

A good idea of him was to start a School of Life, which deals with life lessons concerning work, love, family etcetera, with the ultimate goal of not only discussing life but also changing life. That is what I call a good idea; I would have loved to join and to learn. Give us more of these thoughts !

Source (only in Dutch):

http://www.volkskrant.nl/kunst/article1138708.ece/Alain_de_Botton_is_als_Kuifje_in_werkland

ENJOY LIFE

Today I took the decision to enjoy life more. Stupid I have to take such a decision because enjoying life should come naturally. But ... this is modern life and modern life is not about enjoying; it is quick, shallow and participating in a rat race. I stepped out of the rat race a few years ago, but I am still not able to enjoy my day. Too worried what is still coming, what is happening today or even what has been in the past. Why ? Worrying does not make it easier and you do not get fantastic ideas all of a sudden - your mind turns and turns more quickly, until you get totally stressed out.

Someone said to me today that I should enjoy life more. She was right, but how to do that ? I am used to do useful things that have value and meaning (at least to me) and not necessarily are fun. OK; let's look at the things I used to like when I was a kid. First problem: already as a kid I was not really me - always doing what was expected of me and adapting to the situation. That does not help. I do not want to go back to that period, so something else has to be the reference.

Then I thought: "why not take my weblog as the reference ?" - what I write about touches my heart and are important to me. These things come easy to me and I enjoy doing them.

For example going to art exhibitions I like to do regularly - I do not like everything I see, but everytime I see something different and it tickles your imagination.

Or reading a book; often I have my best thoughts on things when I am reading a book (usually it has nothing to do with the content of the book, but pop up in a relaxed mind).

Or listening to music; as you noticed I am a fan of mellow, electronic music which is ideal for creating a relaxed mood - or classical music.

Or going to the gym, which is not difficult for me because it makes my negative thoughts go away and I feel rejuvenated after the turkish steam baths.

Or travel; I really like to travel but due to my limited finances I postpone it all the time - maybe I should simply do it and not linger any longer. I often bring back some design items from my city trips. My last real city trip dates back to April 2007 and went to Tallinn and Helsinki. Especially Finland is famous for design and it was a joy to visit the design shops with numerous ingenious items or known items in new forms or colours. I could look around for hours. On the picture my reindeer made of thin sheets of wood squeezed out of a postcard. It is standing on my TV and it is the only thing that is allowed to be up there; may be not my most beautiful thing but I grew very fond of it.

Or trying something new: this week I tried aikido and next week I'll try bikram yoga with some friends. We do not know what we are getting into, but it will be hot without a doubt.

Or going to the theatre; I enjoy going to the theatre on a regular basis - I am doing that already; next Sunday the next play.

Or going out to a restaurant, which is one of my favourite hobbies; once a week is no exception - that is also my financial limit.

Actually I am doing a lot of the things I like. I could add some new things though: may be a trip, find myself a boy-friend or write a book (one of my secret wishes). The main thing that keeps me from enjoying life is the worrying. Fear is such a horrible thing, especially when you do not know what you are afraid for. Kill the fear and half the battle is won.

CREATIVITY AND COURAGE

Creativity and courage is what I need for 2009 and the rest of my life. Creativity to make my plans for the future and forget about the past and courage to leave the past behind and make a fresh new start. Especially courage is the key word: the strength from within to take the necessary steps and to go forward, irrespective of what everybody else says or does. I need all my faith, all my talents and all my instincts. Once again.


Last week I had a job interview in Amsterdam and the interview went well. Good hopes that a second interview will follow. But immediately that doubt; is this the job for which I went through all this painful hassle the last few years ? Is there more ? And this even before I am in the position to say "yes" or "no"! A lot still has to happen. Am I in a position to say "no" ?


This afternoon I discussed this with my career coach and it became a lengthy and emotional discussion (at least for me). I was confronted with my way of thinking and the desperate situation I am in. Not things I want to hear, because I know it (but R., I still disagree that I am cynical !!). May be I am too hopeful and too often disappointed - cynical has become realistic ... or is that cynical ?


Soon I will be back with my progress and without doubt some positive news (no cynism by the way).

NEW PERSPECTIVES

As I wrote earlier I decided to quit my job as project coordinator Human Resources for a large Dutch development organisation last year because I felt that I needed a time to reflect to what I want from life. It was not an easy decision and with hindsight I should have taken the decision several years earlier. But OK; there must be a reason for taking this decision last year.

It is refreshing to be able to live your own life for a while and not be taken up by all the meaningless nitty-gritty of working life in a corporate environment. I liked the people though and I really miss the social interaction with colleagues. The last period I took the time to peel off all the layers of dirt, adaptation, and frustration to be able to live the life I want. Now it is time to build it all up. For me having work is essential. I need all the help I can get to reach my goals. Tips, suggestions and job offers (why not?) are welcome at my e-mail address em2@ziggo.nl . Thank you very much,

Marc

What do I want ? I know it is a lot to wish for but I do not expect to realize all of them in one go.

- ACADEMIC

I have got a master degree in International Law of the University of Utrecht (founded 1636), but I never saw myself as a "lawyer". With hindsight it would have been better to have studied History, Literature, Psychology or something similar vague, but OK, within the legal field international law is the discipline closest to moral issues, social justice and questions of war and peace. These issues are far more interesting than whether you violate article so-and-so of the so-and-so Act.
What I need is stimulation of the brain and thinking of new options and better solutions. Being creative on an academic level.

- GENERAL INTEREST

For me it is essential to do something in the general interest. Just working for the money or for myself is too empty; I have to do something that makes sense and "contributes to making the world a better place". Money is of secondary importance - although some cash is more than welcome and good results demand good pay !

- FUTURE-ORIENTED

Learn from the past, live in the present and harvest in the future. I like change and rethinking things; traditions are fine, but if they have no function anymore, chuck them overboard. Times change and what was OK one day does not have to be OK several years later. Try something new !

- "HEAD JOB"

I am a thinker and I like working with my intellect. Besides holding a pen, using my voice and working on the computer there are not a lot of physical skills I am able to use in a work environment. Everyone must do the things he is talented in !

- INTERACTION / COMMUNICATION

If you put me behind a desk and close the door for the day, you are lucky if I am still alive at the end of the day. I like the interaction with people; in meetings, visits, coffee machine-chats or in the pub or restaurant during lunch or after work. Don't put me away. Although I prefer to work alone I need those breaks and interactions to recharge the batteries. Also being a sounding board or trust person is something I love to do: I am critical but tactful and I know how to handle these situations. Communication with others is something I excel at; especially in writing. I really like to produce great letters, reports, memos etcetera not just for the sake of producing it, but to reach goals effectively and efficiently.

- CONCEPT THINKING, INTELLECTUAL CHALLENGE

I am not the person to deal with practical things or to perform executive tasks. These are boring and often based on routine. This is why I hated (excuse me: "disliked") the execution of regulations. I want to make the policy myself and to rethink routine and useless prohibitions. I need a vision, statement, mission etcetera. Why am I doing this and is there a better way to deal with this. Learn new things and keep my mind alive.

- CONSENSUS, NOT CONFLICT

In conflict situations I do not feel comfortable. I am always looking for a solution and how to continue a good working relationship. But when my vital interests are at stake I can be a fighter and will not let go. You can't say I have not warned you !

- PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

What I have learned over the years is that there is no end to learning. Your interests change; the world is not waiting for you, you have to catch up and stay on top of things. I also like to learn new things and new skills. Most important though is not what you can do, but who you are. And I still amaze myself.

- DYNAMIC WORK ENVIRONMENT

No stuffy office buildings please. It has to be open, light and dynamic (literally and metaphorically); in the center, not on the outskirts (also literally and metaphorically). Work environment is very important to me; I felt often enough left outside - I want to participate !

- INTUITION AND REFLECTION

Often I have to think things through; not to make decisions too swiftly. To be able to put something away for a moment or two and in the meantime my intuition tells me whether it is OK or whether something has to be changed. Because of my experience and strong intuition I can rely on my own judgment, but it often needs some time and/or a nights' sleep.

- INDEPENDANCE

My own projects to work on and, preferably, my own decisions to make. Of course you are part of an organisation and you respect the rules of the game, but being incorporated in bureaucratic decision-making procedures and being completely dependant on the input of others for every step you take and every decision you make is for me not ideal, to say it mildly. Give me some space to breath !

- INTERNATIONAL

It may not come as a surprise; this component is very important to me. In fact it is the only constant factor in my career. I do not want to get stuck to one single place or country; the world is larger and I want to enjoy it. This does not mean that I want to travel the whole time (although "Tapetenwechsel" some time, would be nice), but it means that there should be an outlook on and interaction with global or at least European developments. It is not difficult for me to adapt to a different environment; I can easily find me way anywhere and I know my languages. Because I do not have people who depend on me, I am mobile and flexible.

- GAY-FRIENDLY

It is obvious that I do not like to work in an environment which does not accept me for who I am. Of course you could say that I should ignore this and be simply myself. You are right, but I am not a crusader and I have to pick my battles. I am not Don Quichote fighting the windmills.

-

TIME CAPSULE

Today I have uploaded 4 pictures of myself in my home in The Hague as a sort of time capsule of 2008. Why ? I don't know: I simply thought it was a nice idea. Why not give a tribute to myself; again a year mastered and I am doing relatively well.

MELANCHOLY

Every year in December I get a little melancholic. Another year ends, nothing happened, what did I promise myself in January ? Why is it that everybody seems to achieve things and I am not getting ahead in life. Of course these thoughts are not very stimulating to get through the last few weeks of the year, but it keeps popping up in my head over and over again.


Of course something happened in 2008 - I got more confident and I got more comfortable with who I am and want to be in life. But now I want to harvest (and quick ...). I took baby steps and may be I am too anxious to take bigger steps. Nothing is more unreliable as the human mind. One day you have brilliant ideas and the next day you think these ideas are rubbish. But OK, baby steps are steps too and to force yourself to go ahead is not always the right method.


I banned "have to" and "must" from my vocabulary. These verbs are putting outside pressure on you. You don't have to do anything; that is just outside pressure - you have to because your parents want it, your psychologist would like it or the Unemployment Agency demands it. Sometimes it is necessary to do things to stay alive or function, but most of the things you're not forced to do. I am at the steering wheel of my life; even when I drove the car into a ditch ...


I replace "have to" and "must" by "want" or "desire" - these words give me much more energy and gives me power from inside. Though the question what I want or desire for my life is one of the most difficult questions you can ask me. I simply don't know; I always did what I was expected to do and I hardly ever asked myself what I would like. It sounds ridiculous. What was I thinking all those years ?


On several occasions I took a sheet of paper and sat down to write down what I really, really would like. Immediately all the limitations pop into my head - what would my friends and family say? How would I earn my money? I invested so much in my study - do I have to give it up? Result is that you are never completely satisfied. It is not right, something is missing ! Frustration sets in and I tried different methods: meditation, career coach, psychologist etcetera. All to help me define what I want in life.


Writing this down I realize myself that it would not have been possible for me to write this down one year ago (giant step; it immediately makes me proud). Of course it makes me vulnerable, but who cares - it is authentic and that is what I wanted to be (another giant step; I feel better and better).


OK; now I feel better about myself, but the question what I want is still not answered. And if there are answers, they are never the same. If my self-image changes also my desires change. That makes it so frustrating. When do you know if you are really your true self ?


For 2009 I finally want to fill in the empty sheet and I am confident that I will succeed. Get rid of the framework and fill in how I want my life to be: a fulfilling job, a nice (and fulfilling) boy-friend and, in general, a positive feeling about myself. It is a huge effort and I do need support.


And there is a next major hurdle: financial crisis, job losses, rising discrimination of gays. The media are not very helpful in staying positive these days. Come on people, we need positivity !! We know it is not going that well, but it is not helping if we do not give eachother hope and understanding. Everyone has his or her own battle to fight; we have to get inspired and passionate and get rid of the superficiality and negativity of daily life. That is what I hope for myself and for all of you.


Writing it down is the first step, the rest will follow.

2009 2009 2009
2009 2009 2009
2009 2009 2009

2009 is going to be my year. I wish everyone all the best for the new year, but it is now my turn and no one will take it away from me !!

TODAY I AM SAD

Dear reader,

I made a promise to myself to only write positive things on my weblog and I do not want to break that promise. But today I am sad; not just a little bit sad - you could say very sad. I can not ignore it; it is a part of me which I can not deny and which has partly made me to what I am today. A simple Monday; the weather is grey - everyone is going to work and I am just thinking: "what is the use of it all ?". In a few weeks another year will start and I will say to myself "this is going to be my year" and the intentions and the drive are there, but no one is waiting for me and I do not want to depend on the saddening world around me. I want also change !! Some fresh new people, ideals, drive, passion, companionship and the next year I am sure I will work to get these. Sometimes though all hope leaves me and this is one of those days. It will go better in a few days, I know as well. How can I get back on track and be true to myself:

• spend some time getting to know myself;


• act;


• conquer fear: take risks;


• stand up for myself;


• set personal goals;


• express my emotions;


• learn from - or let go of - mistakes;


• do things on my own - do not rely on others to make you feel good;


• do not compare myself to others;


• associate with people who affirm who you are;


• learn to say "no";


• practice truthfulness;


• practice positive affirmations;


• find things I enjoy;


• use visualization techniques;


• enhance my ability to cope with stress;


• shun perfectionism;


• make a list of my accomplishments;


• live in the moment;


• do things for others;

OK, I have got it. Let's do it !! Next time I feel better. Till then,

Marc

REGENERATE YOUR BRAIN: MEDITATION

Sometimes you get in a few days time the same message from different sides; this is clearly a sign that you have to do something with it. Unfortunately the message never says what exactly you have to do with it: that you have to figure it out yourself. So be creative.


With me this happened over the last few days with the issue of identity. On Sunday I read an article on identities of immigration groups in the US (as part of my study of American history), on Monday I had an interview with my career coach which touched this subject and on Tuesday I had a chat over lunch with a friend of mine and it all came down to the same bottom-line: what do you want to be in life, how do you allow yourself to be what you really are and how can you achieve these insights. Tough questions which need an answer. I am not a therapist, but experienced it first hand, so maybe I have got the authority to say something about what helped me in this matter.


Some people might never ask themselves these questions. Not me. I struggled very hard with them over a very long period; in the end I decided to quit my job and make a shift. This was a very tough decision to make and sometimes I still doubt whether it was the right decision. I can not go back anymore; it would be betrayal to myself. The decision to quit my job created the much required space in my head to be creative and be spiritual; the everyday nitty-gritty of a stressful job is often such a loss of time and inspiration. The decision also created problems like loss of income, status etc., but that is a whole other story.


OK; now you have time and less stress, what to do with it ? First, there comes the issue of identity. In our world it is not important who the person IS, but what the person DOES. The system judges you on what you contribute to society and which function you have. If you do not have a job, you are seen as a mooch and an outcast and not of value. Luckily not by everyone; there are also people who have seen your struggle or understand the phase you are going through. Treasure these people, because they are a big help in making you feel strong and confident. You feel soon enough in which category the people you meet fall; it is best to limit the encounters with persons of the non-understanding category. They make you feel bad and doubt the decisions you make or the path you take.


So build a fence for self-protection, but do not shut everybody out. There is your own space and your own thinking which is now hitting you full in the face. What now and who is the real me ? Besides therapy (in my opinion always useful) personality theories, like I mentioned earlier, have helped me a lot to understand myself and others around me. The most valuable lesson was that every type of person has his own fears and challenges and that no one is better than the other. What also helped me was yoga and meditation.


I read in an article in Der Spiegel, a German news magazine http://www.spiegel.de/wissenschaft/mensch/0,1518,592597,00.html , that now scientifically has been proved that meditation helps to push back stress and even regenerates your brain by building new brain cells. The functioning of the brain has always fascinated me. In fact it is nice, that science proved that meditation actually works, but in fact I knew it already, and with me millions of people around the globe.


Meditating is not easy and I worked out for myself which type of meditation helped me best. I am not looking for a spiritual or even religious experience, but simply to feel what my deepest ME is or wants. The first trick you have to learn is to think of nothing and that is hard. Questions pop into your mind or you are still too jumpy to sit or lay on the floor. In those cases limit your time or simply postpone. What helped me was if someone guides you through meditation; you can concentrate on the voice and simply follow. Experience with meditation also helps to empty your mind.


Thinking of nothing is already relaxing; I wanted to use meditation though to get some answers. Sometimes just things pop into your head (remember them !!) or it is also useful to write down or pose yourself a specific question and then go into meditation. For me a meditation of max. 10 minutes is best (otherwise you postpone because it costs you too much time) and if no answers come into your mind: bad luck, try again. If an idea or brainwave comes up I can immediately feel if it is genuine or not. For example, the idea to start a blog also came up in meditation and although I at first instance could not see the use of starting a weblog I did it anyway and it really helps me to get things out of my head and be creative. A useful website to start: http://www.learningmeditation.com/room.htm


TIP: Picture an animal to ask your questions to and hear what the animal tells you. Because I am originally from a forest area, that animal is a deer for me. Imagining a person does not work. Last tip: do not tell anyone that an animal has given you the answers; it is really YOU and you want to keep your reputation.

A QUESTION OF PERSONALITY

Time for something serious and something personal. I have spent a long time to figure out who I am. This sounds quite dramatic and maybe it is. It has cost me a lot of energy and emotions to get and to stay on the right track. Over the years I got more and more interested in personality theories, which helped me considerably to get a clearer view on things; the first one that crossed my path was the Enneagram. The Enneagram describes nine distinct personality types and their interrelationships, mapped arount an ancient symbol of perpetual motion.

At first I thought it was a kind of horoscope, in which for every sign of the zodiac was defined who you are and what the future has in store for you. And combined with the fact that its ancient roots are lying in the Sufi-tradition, I thought "Help, I am getting trapped in thoughts of some kind of illustrous sect". But the next thought was: "I am a sensible guy and I have got some brains left, so they do not get a grip on me."" Okay, a lot of thoughts, why not give it a shot.

After reading a description of the nine different personality types I was and to a certain extent I still am convinced that it still is a valuable means to start you thinking on who you are and where you fit in. But like a horoscope you can recognize yourself in almost half of the descriptions. For me two things were valuable insights: first, every person has its strengths and weaknesses, fears and hopes and although they are different no person is "better" or more "valuable" than the other and second, descriptions make you think on whether some elements are applicable to you and which are not. It sounds pretty straight forward, but I realise now that a lot of people never ask themselves these questions.

Everyone has to find out for himself which type suits one best; there are a lot of websites which you can visit on this. For example the wikipedia-site on the Enneagram gives a nice, although very short, overview of the nine types:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enneagram_of_Personality


I was in doubt whether I would be a "one" or a "four" but in the end the "four" suited me best.
Description from the wikipedia web site:

Fours

The attention of Fours goes to what is missing and desired, to loss, to emotions, to drama, and to longing for the ideal and distant — thus, the sense that the heart is broken or damaged in some way. The defensive coping strategy centers around focusing on what is missing or lost as a way of avoiding feelings related to the hope for an idealized connection that may go unfulfilled.

There is a focus on what is distant, special, and desired and an aversion to the ordinary, the mundane, and the everyday reality of what is. Major traits include a desire to feel special or unique, a concern with authenticity, a preoccupation with the search for the ideal forms of love or connection, and a wistful pleasure with melancholy. Unlike some other types, Fours tend to be comfortable with emotions and can be sensitive to the emotional tone of situations and relationships.
Strengths: Fours can be emotionally strong, authentic, artistic, and sensitive.
Challenges: Fours can be entitled, dramatic, dissatisfied in relationships, and depressed.
Ego fixation: melancholy
Holy idea: origin
Passion/Vice: envy
Virtue: equanimity (=evenness in temper)

It goes too far to give you a full-fletched psychological analysis of myself - this is the internet and I don't know what kind of loonies (no offense!) are reading my blog. Maybe in due time you can recognize this type four in the posts on my blog.

OK. That's one personality theory. The other one which crossed my path is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) which is based on the typological theories of Swiss psychologist Carl Gustav Jung.

In his theories persons are born with a certain basic personality (in my words now), which they keep their whole life; something like the color of their eyes. Based on the four distinctions between Extraversion (E) and Intraversion (I), Sensing (S) and iNtuition (N), Thinking (T) and Feeling (F), Judgment (J) and Perception (P) Myers-Briggs distinguished 16 personality types. Although the Wikipedia-site gives a good first overview of the 16 types the best website on MBTI is http://www.personalitypage.com/

Also with this theory: take the elements that help you define yourself and get to know yourself. No single person can completely fit into the discription of one type; it would be a boring world. Take what suits you, forget about the rest. And ... do not forget all the negative things; these also are part of your personality and you have to be realistic.

The INFP-type suited me best. The description on the wikipedia-website:

The polite, reserved exterior of INFPs can at first make them difficult to get to know. They enjoy conversation, however, taking particular delight in the unusual. When INFPs are in a sociable mood, their humor and charm shine through. Disposed to like people and to avoid conflict, INFPs tend to make pleasant company.

Devoted to those in their inner circle, INFPs guard the emotional well-being of others, consoling those in distress. Guided by their desire for harmony, INFPs prefer to be flexible unless their ethics are violated. Then, they become passionate advocates for their beliefs. They are often able to sway the opinions of others through tact, diplomacy, and an ability to see varying sides of an issue.

INFPs develop these insights through reflection, and they require substantial time alone to ponder and process new information. While they can be quite patient with complex material, they are generally bored by routine. Though not always organized, INFPs are meticulous about things they value. Perfectionists, they may have trouble completing a task because it cannot meet their high standards. They may even go back to a completed project after the deadline so they can improve it.

INFPs are creative types and often have a gift for language. As Introverts, they may prefer to express themselves through writing. Their dominant Feeling drives their desire to communicate, while their auxiliary iNtuition supplies the imagination. Having a talent for symbolism, they enjoy metaphors and similes. They continually seek new ideas and adapt well to change. They prefer working in an environment that values these gifts and allows them to make a positive difference in the world, according to their personal beliefs.

So, now you know me. That saves a lot of explaining and writing. You may have read that I like to express myself through writing and I think a good writer should know when to stop. I think this is now.