A SURPRISE I WAS NOT WAITING FOR

I usually like surprises, because they make your day more worthwhile and break with the routine. In my search for a new job I was offered a job at the City Council of The Hague and although I made clear that this job is not suitable for me, I was invited for a job interview and another one, in which I was extremely critical. Still they want me ! What to do ? Of course I am flattered but I think it is still wise not to accept the job offer, unless ... That is why I requested another interview. Let's see what happens; maybe I can model this job to my wishes.

SING SANG SUNG

It has been a while since I have been putting a blog on this site. I have been very busy with my job and I am sorry to report that it did not work out. I felt encaged and not free to do my thing. So I went for a month to Utrecht and then quit. I had a very good exit interview with the director; he respected my decision and told me that I showed great courage to decide for my own wellbeing. It was not an easy decision but it came from my heart and I have learned to listen to my heart instead of my head.

Last week I had a nervous breakdown and I am now looking towards a dark future; a black tunnel with no end. Bright light will enter after some time, I am sure, but at this moment let there be hope, let there be confidence. Once again a difficult situation.

In the last month I found two songs that I play a lot; one of them is a song of Anthony and the Johnsons with the Metropole Orchestra singing "Crazy in Love". I saw the whole concert and it was fascinating; I was already familiar with Anthony and the Johnsons but to see them live was a whole new experience. Therefore now Anthony and the Johnsons and the Metropole Orchestra in Carre Amsterdam with Crazy in Love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0ob52GyXl4

ANTHONY AND THE JOHNSONS - CRAZY IN LOVE

As I sat in my car returning from Utrecht to The Hague I heard this new song from one of my favorite bands Air. Because the title "Sing sang sang" is very appropriate I decided to add this to my blog today. A very simple song, but a hypnotic video. That is their secret; songs with the simplicity of the 70s, but with the technological aspects of the years 2000.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuSPRu4lzag

AIR - SING SANG SUNG

In the meantime I am OK; still thinking what has to happen now, but ideas and inspiration will come. Help me get the courage to face the future !!

IT'S A CHALLENGE

This week was the first week in my job. I was dead nervous when I started my job. Last week I met my staff and I was not convinced that I would have a click with all of them. Some of them are much older than I am; do they accept me as their manager ?

I started with some practical things; like starting up my computer, make some basic arrangements with my secretary and made up some small talk with every person I met. We went together to lunch, which was also a positive thing to meet people.

On Tuesday I started personal talks of half an hour with members of my staff; just about what they are doing, how they feel about what they are doing and how they see their position within my new organisation. This was a lot of information which I somehow had to place into the big picture.

Tuesday was also the day of the big interruption of train traffic around Utrecht. A hot day and not being able to get back to home has cost me a lot of energy. I had dinner in a restaurant in Utrecht and after an adventurous trip back with stopovers in Gouda and Rotterdam I finally arrived home in The Hague at 22.15. So there was not much left of my day.

Wednesday and Thursday were very hot and everybody was working half force. I met again the second man of the organisation and had a pleasant talk. He convinced me that I am welcome in the organisation and that I am capable to do the tasks assigned to me. It still is a challenge; surely with my history.

As a gay man I still do not feel safe in the organisation. There are a lot of muslims and hindus working and some of them even wear headscarves (even in my own staff) and those are known not to be the most tolerant against gays. Sometimes I feel strong if my rights might be violated, but I do not want to battle. They have to accept me as much as I accept them. Coming out is still too risky, but I do not want to hide it either.

I started to get more acquainted to Dutch immigration law, because I feel that it is necessary to become accepted by the staff, which totally consists of lawyers and specialists. Specialists always still look down upon generalists - but OK, this is their problem; I see the bigger picture. Next week I finally hope to meet my new director; he seems to be charismatic but difficult to get in contact with. Next week more info.

TIRED

Today I went to Utrecht to meet my new colleagues in the last work meeting under the presidency of my predecessor; those people I am supposed to manage the next year. A lot of information came my way and I was focused on understanding what they were all talking about and I quickly lost track.

And there it was again; can I manage ? am I not falling in the same traps as in previous years ? am I capable enough ? STOP !!; this is not helping - STAY CALM AND IT WILL BE OK !! It is not necessary to understand it all at this stage. Luckily nobody noticed anything; also something I have learned over the years ...

CHANGE OF PLANS

Last week I informed you that I finally had made the decision to leave The Netherlands and go abroad. Just two weeks later the message that I have accepted a job offer in Utrecht in the heart of The Netherlands. I feel a little bit like a windvane, going along with every wind. But I am convinced that I am not doing justice to myself by doing so.

Just one day after taking the decision to go abroad I received an invitation for a job interview and I decided to go; let's just see what happens - at least I have got free coffee. It went fine - I felt very relaxed and sailed through the interview. A second interview went also fine and so the third. And then I received the job offer and I had to decide what to do: stick to my original plans or take the job offer. I have decided to do the latter and to keep my plans to move abroad in my head and go on with the preparation.

So, I still have to get used to the idea to stay. Somehow it frightens me; is it still the best decision - will I not make the same mistakes as in the past ? But OK; I did not give my soul away and every decision can be reversed. So let's enjoy the fact that I will receive some money in the near future and can be productive in a job. Utrecht here I come again.

As of 15 August 2009 I will be programme manager at an institute for multicultural affairs in Utrecht, mainly financed by the government; a combination of networking, managerial and legal tasks - I think a good combination. I will step in at roughly the same salary level as I left my last employer; more than I could expect.

Now it is time to relax. I will visit a friend in Germany who will become 50 later this month and add a couple of days making a trip through Eastern and Northern Germany. Furthermore my father is going to help me fix a new wooden floor in my apartment in two weeks. That makes my apartment easier to rent out ... in a year or so.

A DECISION MADE !!

HERE I COME

Finally the decision is made: I am going to leave the country. First for a couple of months, but with the intention for a longer period. Never burn your bridges behind you and never sell the fur of the bear before you shot it (several Dutch cliché sayings packed in one sentence).

It will not come as a surprise that I have chosen for the US and/or Canada to go to. Not the easiest countries because it is not easy for outsiders to get into the country and to get a job. I have applied for a Green Card and the outcome should be available as of July 1 – it will make things a lot easier if I would get one. Maybe I am lucky for once.

Before I can leave still a lot has to be done and a lot of questions have to be answered. As a help for myself I will try to give an overview of all the different things that have to be dealt with:

MONEY

Money is a big issue with every decision I take: I will not have any income as of 1 July 2009; quite scary but I knew it was coming. For money I made some financial arrangements with my parents, but I do not want to become dependant on them. Independency is an important thing for my self-worth. So I need a job; just one day after I made the decision I was invited for a job interview and on Friday this week already a second interview is taking place. But it is in Holland; I have decided to take it seriously and just see what will happen. I can always say NO.
Points of action:
1. Contacting my bank for advice;
2. Necessary to open my own bank account in US ?;
3. Can I continue internet-banking on my Dutch bank account ?;
4. Is it wise to mandate someone in NL to deal with financial issues in NL ?;

JOB

The main question I am asked by friends and relatives is: what are you going to do in the US and how are you going to make a living ? Although these are logical questions I refuse to answer them: answers will come and I asked these questions to myself all over and over again. I will not let doubts of others ruin my enthusiasm.
Points of action:
1. Doing remaining job interviews in the current application procedure in NL;
2. Make an inventory of voluntary activities in SF: arts, gay activism …?!
3. Doing research on job possibilities in US;
4. Doing research on formalities concerning work permits;

SOCIAL SECURITY

The Netherlands has a fantastic social security system (mainly pension rights) and I should be careful to not unnecessarily throw away valuable rights by moving out of the country. Not very interesting issue, but better be safe than sorry. Luckily I have got a friend who knows a lot about these issues.
Points of action:
1. Contacting my friend what to do;
2. Contacting my pension fund ABP and FNP for advise;

HOUSING

One of the main issues I have to deal with while still in Holland is housing: this means what to do with my apartment in The Hague as well as where to stay in SF. I hate it to stand with my suitcase at the airport and to not know where to go. Someone advised me to look for expats to rent my apartment to while being abroad. This was one of the main incentives to pull me over the line to actually go. It gives me some financial means and I still have a place to stay when I return (if I return … ). But renting out is easier said than done: my mortgage owner has to agree as well as the union of apartment owners (VvE). To find someone who wants to rent my house should be the least of a problem: expats enough and housing agencies advert with “someone for your apartment in 24 hours”. I still have to inform what are the necessary requirements and what is a reasonable rent to ask: 1100 Euros I see as a minimum. And then there is still the question which adjustments and renovations are necessary to make it rentable.
Points of action:
1. Contacting housing agency for possibilities;
2. Making adjustments / renovations in my apartment (floor ?!);
3. Informing bank, VvE, neighbours;
4. What to do with my personal items, car, bike etc. ? – contact my parents;
5. Looking for housing in SF;
6. Looking for tax deductions with Dutch tax authorities;
7. To reorganize my personal belongings and preparing for my move;

EDUCATION AND LANGUAGE

One of the main problems when going to another country is how can you prove that you have the necessary qualifications. Because almost no one in the US can speak Dutch or anything else than English I have to prove that I have a Master Degree in Law and I can speak English. Furthermore as long as it is not possible to legally work, may be I can do a course.
Points of action:
1. Make an inventory of all my wishes for extra knowledge / courses;
2. Look for educational possibilities in US;
3. Let my diplomas be translated in English;
4. Check whether it is essential or desirable to do an English exam;

TRAVEL

It is worthwhile to check travel offers; it is still a lot of money to travel by plane and lucrative offers are available – this may influence the actual date of leaving.
Points of action:
1. Checking offers air carriers;

MOBILITY

There are not many possibilities to organize means of transport in the US from Europe, but maybe there are special offers for foreigners which can only be entered into before you enter the US. Is my Dutch drivers’ license valid in the USA and are there special requirements to buy / rent a car ?
Points of action:
1. Check offers for foreigners on tourist and transportation in US;
2. Phone Dutch AAA for specific requirements concerning USA / Canada;

HEALTH

Health is a big issue; it can become very costly when something happens and it would mean a big and irresponsible risk to travel without proper health insurance. Also do I have to arrange something to be able to take with me the only travel companion I can not go without: the ever reliable anti-depressants (or should I try to cut down on the amount once again ?).

What if something happens overthere and I need a doctor urgently. Can I go to any hospital or does my health insurer only reimburse costs made at specific hospitals and doctors ? Not an easy world we live in.
Points of action:
1. Ask doctor for specific prescription for a longer period;
2. Ask doctor for a declaration that I need my medication (to avoid getting charged with possession of drugs; I have got problems enough);
3. Check health insurance whether it covers medical costs incurred in the US or Canada and which costs;
4. Buy basic medical needs to take with me;

COMMUNICATION

Communication is key when you go abroad. People overhere have to know I am still alive and kicking and that I am not laying in the gutter or have jumped from Golden Gate Bridge. Off course I could go to an internet café to use e-mail, but for me that is too basic. I want to take the time to write on my blog or to consult the internet at a moment convenient for me: whether it is at 1.00 at night or 11.00 in the morning. To get complete internet coverage and full-time access to a computer does not seem realistic. So there has to be a laptop and this is the first step I took already: I bought a laptop – a basic one but with all the features. As a former computer nitwit it took some time to become acquainted with the thing, but I can deal with it now. Except the wifi-function I have tested all the functions and I am very pleased with the thing. This laptop should symbolize a new start !

Last time I was in the US my mobile did not work; probably because it is so expensive to phone by mobile from the US to Europe with a prepaid, that you are not able to say anything before you run out of credit. It is essential to change the prescription. Or maybe I should buy a prescription in the US ?

I took some precautions also to be able to listen to music while on the road. In SF I bought an i-pod and I uploaded (or should it be downloaded ?) loads of music to it. Only the proper ear phones are still missing.
Points of action:
1. Buy proper ear phones for i-pod and laptop;
2. Download all the software I might need on my laptop;
3. What to do with my internet and phone provider in NL while I am away ?
4. Test the wifi-function on my laptop;
5. Change the prescription of my mobile phone or take a prescription in the US?;

ENTRY

Last but certainly not least: what is it all worth if you are not able to enter the country or to leave after a few weeks ? Formalities; nobody’s favorite but I have to admit that I am quite good at it – I know what I have to do and I know my ways in bureaucratic stuff; that is where my legal background comes in. A lot of formalities have to be dealt with long before you can go and may define if you can go or not and your date of departure. I applied for a Green Card a long time ago and it should not be long until I receive a decision; it will make it all a lot easier. They do not know what they are missing when they refuse me entering the country on a more permanent basis.
Points of action:
1. Check the validity of my passport and drivers’ licence;
2. Check formalities at websites American and Canadian Embassies;
3. Check website American State Department for Green Card;

You see. It is possible to take a spontaneous decision to go abroad for a couple of months … Preparing is key and maybe it is partly my perfectionist personality that this list goes on and on. I’ll keep you posted.

WRITING IS SEDUCING

This week I read in my newspaper De Volkskrant an interview with Swiss/British writer Alain de Botton in which I recognized a lot of myself and my way of thinking. This interview was published as promotion for his book The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work (Ode aan de arbeid) in which he deals with the question why people want to be happy in the work that they do.

Especially the fact that he does not envie people for their profession as such, but that he envies them for the capacity to be happy and content with their work, I recognize. I would have loved to have this passion; it is difficult to learn - either you have or you have not. That people can be happy to get to work at 8 and leave at 5 and that is OK for them; without any specific goals or events. That is unbelievable for me; luckily we are not all the same.

De Botton says that he poses himself over and over the question how to be meaningful as a writer and how to make a difference. By writing about his own feelings he tries to hit the feelings of his readers, which leads in the end to a sort of long-distance friendship writer-reader. By writing about his feelings he wants to create order in a chaotic mind. He can only do so by writing honestly about his feelings and being vulnerable. On a smaller scale I like to do the same; in fact I would like people to read my blog (that reminds me: I have to do some marketing!), but the effect of creating order is present just by writing it down and being honest to yourself. What you read is what you get !

I was amused by the statement that he associates intellectuals with neuroses and that intellectuals are anxious people; may be I am living proof. Not everyone is practical and rational. But thinking also leads to some comfort - De Botton says that it actually helps to read works of pessimistic philosophers like Schopenhauer if you are feeling down. In any case it does not help to read the overenthousiastic and optimistic American selfhelp literature; those works seem rather naive and far-fetched if you are not in your most hopeful mood.

A good idea of him was to start a School of Life, which deals with life lessons concerning work, love, family etcetera, with the ultimate goal of not only discussing life but also changing life. That is what I call a good idea; I would have loved to join and to learn. Give us more of these thoughts !

Source (only in Dutch):

http://www.volkskrant.nl/kunst/article1138708.ece/Alain_de_Botton_is_als_Kuifje_in_werkland

CREATIVITY AND COURAGE

Creativity and courage is what I need for 2009 and the rest of my life. Creativity to make my plans for the future and forget about the past and courage to leave the past behind and make a fresh new start. Especially courage is the key word: the strength from within to take the necessary steps and to go forward, irrespective of what everybody else says or does. I need all my faith, all my talents and all my instincts. Once again.


Last week I had a job interview in Amsterdam and the interview went well. Good hopes that a second interview will follow. But immediately that doubt; is this the job for which I went through all this painful hassle the last few years ? Is there more ? And this even before I am in the position to say "yes" or "no"! A lot still has to happen. Am I in a position to say "no" ?


This afternoon I discussed this with my career coach and it became a lengthy and emotional discussion (at least for me). I was confronted with my way of thinking and the desperate situation I am in. Not things I want to hear, because I know it (but R., I still disagree that I am cynical !!). May be I am too hopeful and too often disappointed - cynical has become realistic ... or is that cynical ?


Soon I will be back with my progress and without doubt some positive news (no cynism by the way).

NEW PERSPECTIVES

As I wrote earlier I decided to quit my job as project coordinator Human Resources for a large Dutch development organisation last year because I felt that I needed a time to reflect to what I want from life. It was not an easy decision and with hindsight I should have taken the decision several years earlier. But OK; there must be a reason for taking this decision last year.

It is refreshing to be able to live your own life for a while and not be taken up by all the meaningless nitty-gritty of working life in a corporate environment. I liked the people though and I really miss the social interaction with colleagues. The last period I took the time to peel off all the layers of dirt, adaptation, and frustration to be able to live the life I want. Now it is time to build it all up. For me having work is essential. I need all the help I can get to reach my goals. Tips, suggestions and job offers (why not?) are welcome at my e-mail address em2@ziggo.nl . Thank you very much,

Marc

What do I want ? I know it is a lot to wish for but I do not expect to realize all of them in one go.

- ACADEMIC

I have got a master degree in International Law of the University of Utrecht (founded 1636), but I never saw myself as a "lawyer". With hindsight it would have been better to have studied History, Literature, Psychology or something similar vague, but OK, within the legal field international law is the discipline closest to moral issues, social justice and questions of war and peace. These issues are far more interesting than whether you violate article so-and-so of the so-and-so Act.
What I need is stimulation of the brain and thinking of new options and better solutions. Being creative on an academic level.

- GENERAL INTEREST

For me it is essential to do something in the general interest. Just working for the money or for myself is too empty; I have to do something that makes sense and "contributes to making the world a better place". Money is of secondary importance - although some cash is more than welcome and good results demand good pay !

- FUTURE-ORIENTED

Learn from the past, live in the present and harvest in the future. I like change and rethinking things; traditions are fine, but if they have no function anymore, chuck them overboard. Times change and what was OK one day does not have to be OK several years later. Try something new !

- "HEAD JOB"

I am a thinker and I like working with my intellect. Besides holding a pen, using my voice and working on the computer there are not a lot of physical skills I am able to use in a work environment. Everyone must do the things he is talented in !

- INTERACTION / COMMUNICATION

If you put me behind a desk and close the door for the day, you are lucky if I am still alive at the end of the day. I like the interaction with people; in meetings, visits, coffee machine-chats or in the pub or restaurant during lunch or after work. Don't put me away. Although I prefer to work alone I need those breaks and interactions to recharge the batteries. Also being a sounding board or trust person is something I love to do: I am critical but tactful and I know how to handle these situations. Communication with others is something I excel at; especially in writing. I really like to produce great letters, reports, memos etcetera not just for the sake of producing it, but to reach goals effectively and efficiently.

- CONCEPT THINKING, INTELLECTUAL CHALLENGE

I am not the person to deal with practical things or to perform executive tasks. These are boring and often based on routine. This is why I hated (excuse me: "disliked") the execution of regulations. I want to make the policy myself and to rethink routine and useless prohibitions. I need a vision, statement, mission etcetera. Why am I doing this and is there a better way to deal with this. Learn new things and keep my mind alive.

- CONSENSUS, NOT CONFLICT

In conflict situations I do not feel comfortable. I am always looking for a solution and how to continue a good working relationship. But when my vital interests are at stake I can be a fighter and will not let go. You can't say I have not warned you !

- PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

What I have learned over the years is that there is no end to learning. Your interests change; the world is not waiting for you, you have to catch up and stay on top of things. I also like to learn new things and new skills. Most important though is not what you can do, but who you are. And I still amaze myself.

- DYNAMIC WORK ENVIRONMENT

No stuffy office buildings please. It has to be open, light and dynamic (literally and metaphorically); in the center, not on the outskirts (also literally and metaphorically). Work environment is very important to me; I felt often enough left outside - I want to participate !

- INTUITION AND REFLECTION

Often I have to think things through; not to make decisions too swiftly. To be able to put something away for a moment or two and in the meantime my intuition tells me whether it is OK or whether something has to be changed. Because of my experience and strong intuition I can rely on my own judgment, but it often needs some time and/or a nights' sleep.

- INDEPENDANCE

My own projects to work on and, preferably, my own decisions to make. Of course you are part of an organisation and you respect the rules of the game, but being incorporated in bureaucratic decision-making procedures and being completely dependant on the input of others for every step you take and every decision you make is for me not ideal, to say it mildly. Give me some space to breath !

- INTERNATIONAL

It may not come as a surprise; this component is very important to me. In fact it is the only constant factor in my career. I do not want to get stuck to one single place or country; the world is larger and I want to enjoy it. This does not mean that I want to travel the whole time (although "Tapetenwechsel" some time, would be nice), but it means that there should be an outlook on and interaction with global or at least European developments. It is not difficult for me to adapt to a different environment; I can easily find me way anywhere and I know my languages. Because I do not have people who depend on me, I am mobile and flexible.

- GAY-FRIENDLY

It is obvious that I do not like to work in an environment which does not accept me for who I am. Of course you could say that I should ignore this and be simply myself. You are right, but I am not a crusader and I have to pick my battles. I am not Don Quichote fighting the windmills.

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