WHY?

Why ? An easy question; often difficult to answer.

Yesterday my bike was stolen, while I was having coffee in a cafe; at 2 PM at a busy street. It was well secured. I still have the key, but that is all I have. Someone took my bike but left all the other bikes where they were. Why ?

I went back in to calm myself down and had a drink on the house (thanks !!). They saw that I was shocked. After half an hour I had my act together, left my address in case my bike was found (you'll never know) and went home by tram. Enough time to think about reporting it to the police. With 1 million bikes stolen each year you could ask yourself whether it is worthwile reporting it. I did it anyway, not because of my hope that my bike will be returned but more to give my mind a rest; I could not simply accept the fact that someone took my property. I recognize my bike; if I see someone riding it ...

OK, that was yesterday. Actually I wanted to write about something else in which the question "why?" played a big role. Last week the nation was in shock that someone attempted an attack on Queen Beatrix and her family in Apeldoorn (the birthplace of my grandfather by the way). It was a strange attempt by driving a car through the crowds towards the bus in which the royal family was transported. I doubt whether it was a serious attempt on her life, because there were no explosives found in the car. But 6 members of the public were killed as well as the driver.

Immediately the question rose why and who was the driver ? The fact that the driver was a loner, who lost his job and was evicted from his home was seen somehow as a relief (thank God it is no muslim terrorist !), but on the other hand how can you protect people from someone who is that desperate that he is prepared to do anything.

Although sad, it is and must be one's own choice to end his or her own life. I only wished that he would have looked for help (and if he wanted to do it anyway, choose another way!). The fact that he took the lives of 6 innocent people can not be excused in anyway. What I do not get is the total surprise?

The Queen is a symbol of the state and Dutch society. As such: if you attack the Queen, you attack society. Some people feel so mistreated by society, that they want revenge, and what simpler than attacking the Queen. You can do the utmost to prevent such attacks, but I am convinced that if someone wants it desperately there is no 100% security.

People deal differently with a personal crisis. For example: one can suffer from a severe depression, one can resort to violence or one can simply accept and go on. I have experienced personal crisis in different stages of my life and I can see the pain someone must have had to actually do this. Do not get me wrong: it is your own personal crisis and others should not suffer from it !!

In such a situation it can be very difficult to be confronted with the wealthy, happy and beautiful people, again symbolized by the Royal Family. "I want to have that, but I have nothing and I will never be someone". You can get so angry that, that someone without self-control is willing to do anything to hurt society.

If you have never experienced a several personal crisis it might be difficult to understand. But society is not for everyone that happy, beautiful and OK world ("Heile Welt") all the time - if you do not see that, you are either ignorant or not capable to feel empathy. I know it is harsh, but I mean well.

Remember what happened yesterday.

LET'S BE CLEAR

A few weeks ago I reported that I joined the local working group on transport of my political party D66. I went to their first meeting and I must admit that I was a little disappointed. It was all too "technical" and I could do too little with my principles and beliefs; these were my main reason to join in the first place.


After I was contacted by several other local working groups I have decided to switch to the new working group on democracy and citizenship. Although I have not met the people in this working group yet (the first meeting is next week), I have got a good feeling that we will make something of it. At least I can work with my main principles and beliefs.


The last few days I thought: "OK, I am talking about principles and beliefs, but what are they?"' (good question, isn't it?). I sat down with a piece of paper and wrote what my main goals and principles are in relation to local democracy and living in an international city. Here is what I came up with:

1. The citizens of The Hague should be treated as individuals, not as members of a group (family, church, ethnic minority, sexual minority, etc.); everyone should be treated with respect and is responsible for his or her own development; respect for one-another should be the leading principle;


2. The city of The Hague should support those individuals who cannot make use of their rights because they are discriminated or lack specific knowledge, f.e. language courses for immigrants, protection for people who suffer from domestic violence, support for gays against discrimination;


3. Religion must be regarded as a private matter; religious organizations should receive no support from the city council; discriminatory statements based on religious freedom should not be tolerated; support to churches should be limited to support for the conservation of cultural heritage;


4. Integration of ethnic groups must not be regarded as a goal in itself but as a means to create a tolerant, live-able and durable society; integration cannot be forced upon people; the city should no longer support segregation by financing separate societies, organisations, etc. which solely support contacts among members of a specific group; these activities should be financed and organised with other means; supported organisations should at least have clearly defined goals and regularly be controlled thoroughly;


5. Living in a city must be made simpler and easier for all; less regulation, less bureaucracy, less prohibitions; new prohibitions, etc. should only be introduced if effective enforcement by police etcetera can be guaranteed; soft drugs should be legalized; better coordination between city institutions, more attention for quality instead of quantity and better use of the modern means of communication (internet);


6. The Hague is an international city, where individuals of every country and ethnic group should find a pleasant home; large groups see The Hague as a temporary home and do not invest in the society - more activities should be directed at the growing number of expats and their needs;


7. Initiatives in the city can only be taken in cooperation with the communities in the region Haaglanden; initiatives to enhance this cooperation leading to a more (cost-)efficient and effective policy must be taken; better use of best practices in comparable cities in The Netherlands, Europe and around the World;


8. I am sceptical about the possibilities to involve all citizens; the turn-out for elections, referenda, etc. are disappointing and it seems "pulling a dead horse" to get all citizens interested in issues; when people are not interested in making use of their basic rights as citizens, f.e. vote, it is not a good thing to introduce referenda; referenda cost a lot of money, only extreme groups are interested in the outcome and the turn-out is usually too low to actually force the city council to follow the result; referenda should only be used if there is a clear choice between two alternatives (not yes or no, but option A and option B); city council should take their responsibility and make a decision;


9. All initiatives to increase dynamism and diversity must be welcomed.

I wrote this down in 10 minutes and I am sure that I have not thought things fully through; there is room for improvement in a later stage.

IT IS TOUGH TO BE DIFFERENT

On several occasions I have written that this blog should not be a blog on gay issues. But on the sites I visit there is so much that touches me, that I have to write about it. This time an opinion article on the NY Times web page called "Dude, you have got problems".

http://warner.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/16/who-are-you-calling-gay/#comment-82839

I have written a comment on this:

"It takes courage to be different these days! As a gay man you are constantly confronted with opinions on how the world sees you and, for a considerable part, condemns you. It is not easy but you get used to it.
The fact that some boys are calling other boys “gay” (which is not typically American by the way) of course has to do with showing off each other’s toughness but the fact that this in their opinion has to be done by putting down gays has to be qualified as homophobia. It is not either / or; it is both.
One should recognize that it is the easy way out to adapt to the mainstream. Straight people do not have to find the courage to come out and to find their way in our hetero-dominated society. It is tough to be different!"

IT'S A SHAME

This morning I read on the website of Der Spiegel, that a study of the University College of London (UCL) among psychotherapists in Britain, had produced some surprising results. One in six therapists (17%) has stated that he/she "helped" patients to reduce gay or lesbian feelings, usually through therapy.


I can tell from my own experience that accepting that you belong to a minority that is discriminated against is not easy. Denying it is in the end more damaging than facing it. The fact that it is not visible to see whether someone is gay or not, does not make it easier. Hide it and do not suffer discrimination or simply do what you want to do or want to feel.


In this struggle you want help and not a therapist who brainwashes you with his/her own discriminative or religious feelings against gays. You have trust in them that they know what they are doing and that the therapy is in your best interest. If you are questioning this or if a therapist is questioning your feelings, leave immediately!! You are not taken seriously.


When I read in the article that one therapist has answered that the sexual act between gays can lead to 'mental damage', is the main reason for Aids and HIV, and is simply perverse I do not understand why such a person is accepted as a licensed psychotherapist. It is simply a sign that we are still not taken serious and looked upon as sick people who must be healed.


I am lucky that I am helped by people who do not try to "heal" me, but support me in the battle and stand beside me. Thank God!!

http://www.spiegel.de/wissenschaft/mensch/0,1518,615701,00.html
http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-244X/9/11/abstract

THE CHALLENGE

I have got to stay on track and to keep envision the trajectory I have to follow. As a reminder:

My challenge is:
...to remain calm; in the end everything will be all right
...to relax; do not strain the whole thing;
...to open myself for new experiences;
...to hold on to my dreams and desires; they are feasible;
...to look for my own path;
...to take more and do not feel as a victim;
...to let others share in my experiences;
...to recognize my strenghts and be proud of them;
...to stay in touch with my own motives;
...to get inspiration and pleasure out of the things I do;
...to not look back at what has been;
...to not fall back into old scenarios and ways of thinking;
...to better promote my unique selling points;
...to take more actions and to finish these;
...to be authentic and to stay authentic.

Please give me the strength to follow this path and to conquer all the threats.

WRITING IS SEDUCING

This week I read in my newspaper De Volkskrant an interview with Swiss/British writer Alain de Botton in which I recognized a lot of myself and my way of thinking. This interview was published as promotion for his book The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work (Ode aan de arbeid) in which he deals with the question why people want to be happy in the work that they do.

Especially the fact that he does not envie people for their profession as such, but that he envies them for the capacity to be happy and content with their work, I recognize. I would have loved to have this passion; it is difficult to learn - either you have or you have not. That people can be happy to get to work at 8 and leave at 5 and that is OK for them; without any specific goals or events. That is unbelievable for me; luckily we are not all the same.

De Botton says that he poses himself over and over the question how to be meaningful as a writer and how to make a difference. By writing about his own feelings he tries to hit the feelings of his readers, which leads in the end to a sort of long-distance friendship writer-reader. By writing about his feelings he wants to create order in a chaotic mind. He can only do so by writing honestly about his feelings and being vulnerable. On a smaller scale I like to do the same; in fact I would like people to read my blog (that reminds me: I have to do some marketing!), but the effect of creating order is present just by writing it down and being honest to yourself. What you read is what you get !

I was amused by the statement that he associates intellectuals with neuroses and that intellectuals are anxious people; may be I am living proof. Not everyone is practical and rational. But thinking also leads to some comfort - De Botton says that it actually helps to read works of pessimistic philosophers like Schopenhauer if you are feeling down. In any case it does not help to read the overenthousiastic and optimistic American selfhelp literature; those works seem rather naive and far-fetched if you are not in your most hopeful mood.

A good idea of him was to start a School of Life, which deals with life lessons concerning work, love, family etcetera, with the ultimate goal of not only discussing life but also changing life. That is what I call a good idea; I would have loved to join and to learn. Give us more of these thoughts !

Source (only in Dutch):

http://www.volkskrant.nl/kunst/article1138708.ece/Alain_de_Botton_is_als_Kuifje_in_werkland

FIRED UP AGAIN !?

For my sister the new year started with a shock. She was phoned at 1.30 at night on 1 January that the salon where she works was on fire. She rushed out of bed and drove to the salon to look after the interests. After the fire brigade had put the fire out it turned out that the damage was not too serious. A rocket had set fire to the roof and the entrance was set alight. Besides the annoying water and soot damage they were able to open the salon on Friday. As support I put up a link to their website as well as a link to the message on the website of the local newspaper.

http://www.destentor.nl/regio/epevaassen/epe/4285503/Toch-weer-ruiten-kapot.ece

http://www.cosmonique.com/

This is already the second post on fire and my weblog is only three months old. And I hate fire ! Why bother us with it then, you might say?! It illustrates perfectly the point I was making in my post of 30 December 2008 on my hopes for my country: less patronizing. How come ? Two current discussions in my country concern a ban on commercial fireworks and a compulsory installation of fire alarms in homes.

http://marc-melnik.blogspot.com/2008/12/my-hopes-for-my-country.html

It will not surprise you that I am not a fan of a ban on fireworks; not because I want to let off fireworks myself or because I do not see the dangers of fireworks, but simply because a ban does not work !! At this moment it is prohibited in my country to let off firecrackers etcetera before 10 AM on 31 December. Obviously it is not a priority for the police to enforce this ban, because I hear nothing but firecrackers for the last two weeks, and little priority is OK. A ban only increases the "charm". It is all about education and taking responsibility (parents ?!).

With its tradition of patronizing you would suspect that Dutch parliament would support compulsory fire alarms in homes. Wrong !! I do not know the reasoning. If I had to be patronizing, this was one of the first measures I would take. Because it can save yourself, the people you live with, the neighbours and the community so much sorrow if you can control a fire yourself. I experienced it.

My advice:

1. Buy a.s.a.p. a fire alarm, if you do not own one already;

2. Install it in a central place in your home or property (f.e. hallway or kitchen);

3. Check the battery regularly !!!

4. Leave information where you can be reached (especially for offices, shops etc.);

5. Consider the purchase of a fire extinguisher;

6. Read the manual of the fire extinguisher !!!

7. Not only read 1 to 6 but also do them (wel doen hoor!).

For the next few years or so no post on fire anymore. I promise !!

MY HOPES FOR MY COUNTRY

As with all countries 2008 was not such a fantastic year for The Netherlands. Like everywhere else banks threatened to collapse and you were likely to feel depressed after hearing the news almost every single day for the last six months. Of course I hope that it goes better economically in 2009 but my main concern is that the spirit seems to have gone. How can you keep up the spirit if specialists and politicians say day after day that it gets even worse than we ever thought; what do they want to prove and what is the news value of such a statement ? They only want to be in the picture, that's all.

Losing your job is a life-changing experience, of course. But there is more to life - your health, your love, your personality, your spirit, your soul. Believe me, now I am the specialist. It is worse if that goes down the drain too. We have to keep the spirit up, even it is not easy. A lot of people have lost their jobs over the years; did we pity them or did we support them ? It is the tyranny of the masses - it only gets bad if a lot of people are involved. No, it is the individual that counts - every story is different and every life is worth for society as a whole. The last sentence I read during my study of law years ago as a rationale for why committing suicide is a criminal offence. Although I do not agree with the outcome (suicide is in my opinion an individual decision we have to respect) this rationale is so beautiful that it almost convinced me.

For 2009 I hope we are able to look beyond the economic horizon. In my country the liberty of the individual is getting more and more limited: there is the threat of terrorism, partly forced upon us by paranoia; there is the loss of privacy and attacks out of cyberspace; there is the dogma of religion, which I think is still a form of indoctrination and misplaced feeling of superiority; there is the growing hate crime, which is if you belong to a minority giving you the feeling you do not belong in society; there is the increasing dominance of the family, which pushes you as a single individual more aside and there is the growing amount of official bans of all kinds.

I want to live in a country that respects me as an individual and that gives me the courage and the liberty to live up to my potential. Ten years ago Holland was such a country - it was looked upon as a free and controversial country and was a guiding country in the world on issues such as drugs, gay rights, abortion and euthanasia. I was proud that there was an open discussion possible on these issues and that every individual could decide for himself what to do with his life, as long as nobody else was hurt. I can still remember that a lot of people abroad actually thought that we were all taking drugs and that if you are old you were given an injection to die, hilarious.

Ten years later some groups are forcing their fears and their moral superiority upon us and Holland is back in line. The moral majority rules again like in the fifties. Let us decide for ourselves; everyone has the right to make up his own decision. If you make a conscious decision and nobody is hurt - be my guest. Personally I do not care if I go to hell and don't receive 72 virgins ... if you find comfort and wisdom in religion you are lucky; count your blessings but do not bother someone else with it.

Let's hope that in 2009 the influence of conservatism and paternalism will decrease and that the influence of optimism, individualism and liberty will increase. Down to earth: this government has to go. But that is not enough. We as people also have to take our own responsibility; we get the government we deserve. We all made this country into a colourless, dull and boring country.

MELANCHOLY

Every year in December I get a little melancholic. Another year ends, nothing happened, what did I promise myself in January ? Why is it that everybody seems to achieve things and I am not getting ahead in life. Of course these thoughts are not very stimulating to get through the last few weeks of the year, but it keeps popping up in my head over and over again.


Of course something happened in 2008 - I got more confident and I got more comfortable with who I am and want to be in life. But now I want to harvest (and quick ...). I took baby steps and may be I am too anxious to take bigger steps. Nothing is more unreliable as the human mind. One day you have brilliant ideas and the next day you think these ideas are rubbish. But OK, baby steps are steps too and to force yourself to go ahead is not always the right method.


I banned "have to" and "must" from my vocabulary. These verbs are putting outside pressure on you. You don't have to do anything; that is just outside pressure - you have to because your parents want it, your psychologist would like it or the Unemployment Agency demands it. Sometimes it is necessary to do things to stay alive or function, but most of the things you're not forced to do. I am at the steering wheel of my life; even when I drove the car into a ditch ...


I replace "have to" and "must" by "want" or "desire" - these words give me much more energy and gives me power from inside. Though the question what I want or desire for my life is one of the most difficult questions you can ask me. I simply don't know; I always did what I was expected to do and I hardly ever asked myself what I would like. It sounds ridiculous. What was I thinking all those years ?


On several occasions I took a sheet of paper and sat down to write down what I really, really would like. Immediately all the limitations pop into my head - what would my friends and family say? How would I earn my money? I invested so much in my study - do I have to give it up? Result is that you are never completely satisfied. It is not right, something is missing ! Frustration sets in and I tried different methods: meditation, career coach, psychologist etcetera. All to help me define what I want in life.


Writing this down I realize myself that it would not have been possible for me to write this down one year ago (giant step; it immediately makes me proud). Of course it makes me vulnerable, but who cares - it is authentic and that is what I wanted to be (another giant step; I feel better and better).


OK; now I feel better about myself, but the question what I want is still not answered. And if there are answers, they are never the same. If my self-image changes also my desires change. That makes it so frustrating. When do you know if you are really your true self ?


For 2009 I finally want to fill in the empty sheet and I am confident that I will succeed. Get rid of the framework and fill in how I want my life to be: a fulfilling job, a nice (and fulfilling) boy-friend and, in general, a positive feeling about myself. It is a huge effort and I do need support.


And there is a next major hurdle: financial crisis, job losses, rising discrimination of gays. The media are not very helpful in staying positive these days. Come on people, we need positivity !! We know it is not going that well, but it is not helping if we do not give eachother hope and understanding. Everyone has his or her own battle to fight; we have to get inspired and passionate and get rid of the superficiality and negativity of daily life. That is what I hope for myself and for all of you.


Writing it down is the first step, the rest will follow.

STRANGE FRUIT

Usually I do not listen to song texts. The rhythm and the emotion must come across and what they are actually singing I could not care less. If you translate the English texts into my mother tongue Dutch it is often so empty and banal that you might wish they would sing Southern Patagonian, if that language exists.

As a counterweight to the happy song by Sonny J that I posted a week ago (what it is about, I have got no idea - I have to relisten to it) I have now found on YouTube two versions of the same song, the text of which is not possible to ignore; such bitterness and tragedy. "Strange Fruit", one version by Billy Holiday and one by Nina Simone; two of my favorite singers. Very impressive and it cuts you right through the heart.

Nina Simone said once "the ugliest song I have ever heard"; especially her version touches me. It makes you think to what cruelty mankind is capable; to think that these times are over is in my view a misconception. As soon as people are uncertain or in distress they look for scapegoats and gather behind a leader with a rigid ideology (or religion), and the whole thing starts all over again. It is of all times. People, think independent !!

I had some problems to get both videos uploaded, mainly because the Nina Simone was taken off YouTube yesterday. Pity, but OK we don't want to violate the rights of the makers. That's why I had to take the only other version I found; a sort of homemade video, but ignore it if you do not like it.

Thanks to those who make the effort to place these videos on YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_BMZmp9Puc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4ZyuULy9zs

IT GOES UP IN SMOKE

Today I got very irritated by the ongoing discussion in my country on the prohibition to smoke in bars and restaurants. Since the 1st of July it is not allowed to smoke in bars and restaurants, but in practice a lot of bars do allow smoking even though they are heavily fined. Earlier it has been prohibited in offices and other places where people work. I am not a smoker but why prohibit everything ?

People know that smoking is bad for their health and smokers make a conscience choice to smoke; who are we as the public, through our representatives in parliament, to tell them that they should not smoke. Paternalistic ! I want to live in a free country, where you should be free to do whatever you like as long as it does not hurt others and you don´t bring yourself in a dangerous situation unknowingly, for example children. We will die anyway; why not choose how and when to do it. But you must be willing to also accept the consequences: the medical costs directly related to smoking and a shorter life.

OK; of course there are non-smokers in the bar who are also affected by the nicotine-fumes. But you do not have to go to a bar; this is also a choice. If there was a market for non-smoke bars, these bars would have been created a long time ago.

As a jurist I studied the judicial system and came across a lot of baloney provisions. That´s why I do not see myself as a "proper" lawyer; in my opinion a system only works with basic provisions to regulate the system and sees to it that these basic provisions are observed. If you want to bring society ahead, society should have the freedom to develop itself and not be restricted by bureaucratic procedures. Anyway, we do not have enough police officers and other government staff to enforce all these regulations and nobody is willing to pay extra money. This creates irritation, inequality and is detrimental to governmental and legal authority.

Do not let the moral majority rule this country (certainly not a religious moral majority) !! I want to decide myself ; I am sensible and I know what I am doing. That´s that !!