HOW TO ACHIEVE AUTHENTICITY ?

The last few weeks I focused again on a question that engages my mind already for a couple of years now. How to achieve authenticity and how to lead the life you really, really, really want deep inside? Not an easy task because we are trained like little monkeys to adapt to the life society wants us to lead.

Especially for us gays it is a question that is central in our lifes. I remember an article in the newspaper that the British secret intelligence agency MI6 was especially keen on hiring gays because we are masters in adapting to a role to play in a "hostile" world.

Everyone has inside a psychological drive to individuate, to actualize, to manifest the unique and authentic self that you are; at least I think so. Every time we act not in accordance to the authentic self we feel desperation, alienation and meaningless; don't tell me, I have experienced it. Like last month as I quit my job after a month; it lead to emotional pains and were in contradiction to authenticity. OK, leave it behind.

It takes courage to live your own life - mainly because nobody tells us how to do this. Parents, society and school in most cases fail to take up this challenge. That is why I went on the internet to look specifically for essential skills that help me lead the life I want. I came across a list which is in my opinion quite accurate and which I want to share with you (source: www.whole-person-counseling.com):

- PRESENCE - being, present in the moment, with your direct experience of your self and life;

- FOCUSING - sensing into your felt sense of the unfolding self;

- WHOLENESS - radical permissiveness for the experience of and embrace of all of your nature;

- SELF-ACCEPTANCE - reconciliation to the givenness of your self and your life as it is;

- SELF-ESTEEM - valuing your self and the givenness of your nature;

- LIVING AS PROCESS - living as a dynamic, vital process, not a static conceptual identity;

- VALUES CLARIFICATION - defining your own values, beliefs, opinions, and postures in life;

- UNIQUENESS - comprehending the difference you are and the value that your difference is;

- BOUNDARIES - distinguishing you to yourself, your relationships, and your world;

- PERSONAL AUTONOMY - inner or self-direction and self-regulation;

- AGENCY - living as the cause, not the effect of your life;

- PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY - being accountable for your life as it is and it is not;

- WILL - applying intention to self-directed purpose;

- CHOICE - the privilege and responsibility of creating your life through your conscious choice;

- DECISION MAKING - formal skills of decision making;

- COMMITMENT - passionate commitment of your abilities and resources to the authentic life you choose to live;

- SELF-ASSERTION - expressing your self in the world as the difference you are;

Quite a list and a lot of work still to do ! And this all to achieve a state that should be natural to all of us: "authenticity is the degree to which one is true to one's own personality, spirit or character, despite external forces, pressures and influences which are different from, and other than, itself" (wikipedia). Following the emotional pains I suffered in the past it might be time to choose not for the safe choices but for the growth choices; what other choice do I have ?

SING SANG SUNG

It has been a while since I have been putting a blog on this site. I have been very busy with my job and I am sorry to report that it did not work out. I felt encaged and not free to do my thing. So I went for a month to Utrecht and then quit. I had a very good exit interview with the director; he respected my decision and told me that I showed great courage to decide for my own wellbeing. It was not an easy decision but it came from my heart and I have learned to listen to my heart instead of my head.

Last week I had a nervous breakdown and I am now looking towards a dark future; a black tunnel with no end. Bright light will enter after some time, I am sure, but at this moment let there be hope, let there be confidence. Once again a difficult situation.

In the last month I found two songs that I play a lot; one of them is a song of Anthony and the Johnsons with the Metropole Orchestra singing "Crazy in Love". I saw the whole concert and it was fascinating; I was already familiar with Anthony and the Johnsons but to see them live was a whole new experience. Therefore now Anthony and the Johnsons and the Metropole Orchestra in Carre Amsterdam with Crazy in Love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0ob52GyXl4

ANTHONY AND THE JOHNSONS - CRAZY IN LOVE

As I sat in my car returning from Utrecht to The Hague I heard this new song from one of my favorite bands Air. Because the title "Sing sang sang" is very appropriate I decided to add this to my blog today. A very simple song, but a hypnotic video. That is their secret; songs with the simplicity of the 70s, but with the technological aspects of the years 2000.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuSPRu4lzag

AIR - SING SANG SUNG

In the meantime I am OK; still thinking what has to happen now, but ideas and inspiration will come. Help me get the courage to face the future !!

IT'S A CHALLENGE

This week was the first week in my job. I was dead nervous when I started my job. Last week I met my staff and I was not convinced that I would have a click with all of them. Some of them are much older than I am; do they accept me as their manager ?

I started with some practical things; like starting up my computer, make some basic arrangements with my secretary and made up some small talk with every person I met. We went together to lunch, which was also a positive thing to meet people.

On Tuesday I started personal talks of half an hour with members of my staff; just about what they are doing, how they feel about what they are doing and how they see their position within my new organisation. This was a lot of information which I somehow had to place into the big picture.

Tuesday was also the day of the big interruption of train traffic around Utrecht. A hot day and not being able to get back to home has cost me a lot of energy. I had dinner in a restaurant in Utrecht and after an adventurous trip back with stopovers in Gouda and Rotterdam I finally arrived home in The Hague at 22.15. So there was not much left of my day.

Wednesday and Thursday were very hot and everybody was working half force. I met again the second man of the organisation and had a pleasant talk. He convinced me that I am welcome in the organisation and that I am capable to do the tasks assigned to me. It still is a challenge; surely with my history.

As a gay man I still do not feel safe in the organisation. There are a lot of muslims and hindus working and some of them even wear headscarves (even in my own staff) and those are known not to be the most tolerant against gays. Sometimes I feel strong if my rights might be violated, but I do not want to battle. They have to accept me as much as I accept them. Coming out is still too risky, but I do not want to hide it either.

I started to get more acquainted to Dutch immigration law, because I feel that it is necessary to become accepted by the staff, which totally consists of lawyers and specialists. Specialists always still look down upon generalists - but OK, this is their problem; I see the bigger picture. Next week I finally hope to meet my new director; he seems to be charismatic but difficult to get in contact with. Next week more info.

TIRED

Today I went to Utrecht to meet my new colleagues in the last work meeting under the presidency of my predecessor; those people I am supposed to manage the next year. A lot of information came my way and I was focused on understanding what they were all talking about and I quickly lost track.

And there it was again; can I manage ? am I not falling in the same traps as in previous years ? am I capable enough ? STOP !!; this is not helping - STAY CALM AND IT WILL BE OK !! It is not necessary to understand it all at this stage. Luckily nobody noticed anything; also something I have learned over the years ...

CHANGING THE FLOOR

As I wrote before I finally decided to throw out my carpet and to introduce a wooden floor in the whole apartment; a major job I required the help of my father for. At first instance I wanted the wooden floor to have more possibilities to rent out the apartment but now I have decided to stay in Holland after all, I can enjoy it myself.

Such a major job also helps you to clean out your house, the more because I wanted the new floor in my whole apartment. Books were rearranged (and man what a lot of books I have !), cupboards were cleaned, furniture was shifted to other rooms etc. A fresh start in a fresh new house.

After three days of hard work (from 9 until 9) we still did not finish the job; we were so fed up with it we had to quit and to postpone the final two rooms to later this week. My father did the measuring and the sawing; I did (most of) the clicking of the laminate and the sticking of the skirthing-board (or in Dutch "plint"; a much nicer and practical word). Before we actually found out what the most convenient and practical way of going forward was, there was some frustration about the little progress.

After a break of two weeks we finally finished the job. And I am very pleased with the final result. Only downside: I have got a nasty rash which is not going away; maybe it is linked with some glue or other substance I am allergic to. I hope this is going away in the near future; otherwise we have a new problem to deal with.

To give you some impression of the final result:

TOUR THROUGH GERMANY

The last week I made a small tour through Germany after visiting friends in Kiel in Northern Germany. It is already quite a number of years ago when I made for the last time a road trip (was it Norway or Ireland ?) and now I remember how enjoyable it is. Windows open, relaxed attitude, nice weather, go as you please. What do you want else ? And in Germany the prices for food and lodging are very reasonable.

As a half-German I feel very much at home in Germany and I do speak the language. That helps ! It was interesting to see how much Eastern Germany has changed after the fall of The Mauer; it is not recognisable as a former socialist republic anymore.

Cities I visited: Ratzeburg, Luneburg, Celle, Goslar, Quedlinburg, Stolberg. Especially advisable a day-tour through the Harz-area in Middle-Germany (Lower-Saxony, Saxony-Anhalt); beautiful area not overrun by tourists. OK, that was the local tourist office ! To get you into the mood, some images. Tip: Visit Quedlinburg - magical fairy tale city in former East Germany.

NEW PROGRAMME FOR THE CITY

A small update of my political activities, which were also progressing in the last couple of weeks. In a small working group we managed to get the necessary input for the democracy and administration section of the programme of "my" political party for the local elections in March 2010. Still far away but in fact it is only 9 months in which we have to harvest the electional gains of the European elections of June 4th.

I wrote down my main points in a small document and forwarded it to my fellow working group members and I can say that the core of this document was finally sent to the committee which is drafting the text of the programme. On Saturday we have to defend it before this committee; first signs were that they are pleased with the input in such a short time.

Some of our main suggestions:

- every citizen of The Hague must be treated as equal individuals and not as member of a group (family, religion, ethnic or sexual minority); respect for the individual character of the other is a leading principle;

- there is the possibility to introduce an advising referendum on city level and a citizen poll in a specific part of the city, in which has to take into consideration the balance between the costs and the effects of a referendum;

- religion is a private matter; the city should not finance religious organisations in their religious activities;

- less regulation and bureaucracy on local level, but promotion of social awareness;

- the city should actively work on the international profile of the city of The Hague;

These are specific also my points because I think they are essential to make The Hague a dynamic city with diversity. Let's see what the others think.