A SURPRISE I WAS NOT WAITING FOR

I usually like surprises, because they make your day more worthwhile and break with the routine. In my search for a new job I was offered a job at the City Council of The Hague and although I made clear that this job is not suitable for me, I was invited for a job interview and another one, in which I was extremely critical. Still they want me ! What to do ? Of course I am flattered but I think it is still wise not to accept the job offer, unless ... That is why I requested another interview. Let's see what happens; maybe I can model this job to my wishes.

KRAPP'S LAST TAPE

Last Tuesday I have visited with a friend the performance of a play by Beckett called "Krapp's Last Tape". As most of Beckett's plays it is not a uplifting and sparkling song and dance. As an hour and a half monologue of an elderly male who looks back on his life by listening to tapes he recorded on each of his birthdays, it was very confronting and intense. All those missed opportunities and bad memories ! Somehow it was also very confronting and recognisable to me !

At first I thought it would not be a very good idea to go to a very depressing piece, but the recension in the newspaper that it was very well performed, highly confronting and absurdist / post-modern convinced me that it is a performance I would like. As such I love plays that are not down-to-earth or mainstream and it is not essential to understand everything. It should make you think what is in it for me and that is for everyone different.

And it is uncomfortable: long silences, no music, only one actor, slow pace. With the absurdistic elements and the outbursts of uncontrolled emotions a challenge ! But I thought Steven van Watermeulen as Krapp was very intense and convincing. Worth seeing. And personally I like to go to the Royal Theatre in The Hague; it is very festive and elegant.

BEING BORING

As a child I have heard from my father often the remark "you are boring" if I was not willing to do what he liked me to. That is why "being boring" always reminds me of a childhood I did not want. To help me get over this trauma there is this song. "Being boring" by the Pet Shop Boys; a classy video and a nice song - a true inheritance of the 90s. Being boring (am I ?) was never that interesting and I do not care what anyone says.

PET SHOP BOYS - BEING BORING

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMtPu6QyRzQ

HOW TO ACHIEVE AUTHENTICITY ?

The last few weeks I focused again on a question that engages my mind already for a couple of years now. How to achieve authenticity and how to lead the life you really, really, really want deep inside? Not an easy task because we are trained like little monkeys to adapt to the life society wants us to lead.

Especially for us gays it is a question that is central in our lifes. I remember an article in the newspaper that the British secret intelligence agency MI6 was especially keen on hiring gays because we are masters in adapting to a role to play in a "hostile" world.

Everyone has inside a psychological drive to individuate, to actualize, to manifest the unique and authentic self that you are; at least I think so. Every time we act not in accordance to the authentic self we feel desperation, alienation and meaningless; don't tell me, I have experienced it. Like last month as I quit my job after a month; it lead to emotional pains and were in contradiction to authenticity. OK, leave it behind.

It takes courage to live your own life - mainly because nobody tells us how to do this. Parents, society and school in most cases fail to take up this challenge. That is why I went on the internet to look specifically for essential skills that help me lead the life I want. I came across a list which is in my opinion quite accurate and which I want to share with you (source: www.whole-person-counseling.com):

- PRESENCE - being, present in the moment, with your direct experience of your self and life;

- FOCUSING - sensing into your felt sense of the unfolding self;

- WHOLENESS - radical permissiveness for the experience of and embrace of all of your nature;

- SELF-ACCEPTANCE - reconciliation to the givenness of your self and your life as it is;

- SELF-ESTEEM - valuing your self and the givenness of your nature;

- LIVING AS PROCESS - living as a dynamic, vital process, not a static conceptual identity;

- VALUES CLARIFICATION - defining your own values, beliefs, opinions, and postures in life;

- UNIQUENESS - comprehending the difference you are and the value that your difference is;

- BOUNDARIES - distinguishing you to yourself, your relationships, and your world;

- PERSONAL AUTONOMY - inner or self-direction and self-regulation;

- AGENCY - living as the cause, not the effect of your life;

- PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY - being accountable for your life as it is and it is not;

- WILL - applying intention to self-directed purpose;

- CHOICE - the privilege and responsibility of creating your life through your conscious choice;

- DECISION MAKING - formal skills of decision making;

- COMMITMENT - passionate commitment of your abilities and resources to the authentic life you choose to live;

- SELF-ASSERTION - expressing your self in the world as the difference you are;

Quite a list and a lot of work still to do ! And this all to achieve a state that should be natural to all of us: "authenticity is the degree to which one is true to one's own personality, spirit or character, despite external forces, pressures and influences which are different from, and other than, itself" (wikipedia). Following the emotional pains I suffered in the past it might be time to choose not for the safe choices but for the growth choices; what other choice do I have ?

SING SANG SUNG

It has been a while since I have been putting a blog on this site. I have been very busy with my job and I am sorry to report that it did not work out. I felt encaged and not free to do my thing. So I went for a month to Utrecht and then quit. I had a very good exit interview with the director; he respected my decision and told me that I showed great courage to decide for my own wellbeing. It was not an easy decision but it came from my heart and I have learned to listen to my heart instead of my head.

Last week I had a nervous breakdown and I am now looking towards a dark future; a black tunnel with no end. Bright light will enter after some time, I am sure, but at this moment let there be hope, let there be confidence. Once again a difficult situation.

In the last month I found two songs that I play a lot; one of them is a song of Anthony and the Johnsons with the Metropole Orchestra singing "Crazy in Love". I saw the whole concert and it was fascinating; I was already familiar with Anthony and the Johnsons but to see them live was a whole new experience. Therefore now Anthony and the Johnsons and the Metropole Orchestra in Carre Amsterdam with Crazy in Love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0ob52GyXl4

ANTHONY AND THE JOHNSONS - CRAZY IN LOVE

As I sat in my car returning from Utrecht to The Hague I heard this new song from one of my favorite bands Air. Because the title "Sing sang sang" is very appropriate I decided to add this to my blog today. A very simple song, but a hypnotic video. That is their secret; songs with the simplicity of the 70s, but with the technological aspects of the years 2000.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuSPRu4lzag

AIR - SING SANG SUNG

In the meantime I am OK; still thinking what has to happen now, but ideas and inspiration will come. Help me get the courage to face the future !!

IT'S A CHALLENGE

This week was the first week in my job. I was dead nervous when I started my job. Last week I met my staff and I was not convinced that I would have a click with all of them. Some of them are much older than I am; do they accept me as their manager ?

I started with some practical things; like starting up my computer, make some basic arrangements with my secretary and made up some small talk with every person I met. We went together to lunch, which was also a positive thing to meet people.

On Tuesday I started personal talks of half an hour with members of my staff; just about what they are doing, how they feel about what they are doing and how they see their position within my new organisation. This was a lot of information which I somehow had to place into the big picture.

Tuesday was also the day of the big interruption of train traffic around Utrecht. A hot day and not being able to get back to home has cost me a lot of energy. I had dinner in a restaurant in Utrecht and after an adventurous trip back with stopovers in Gouda and Rotterdam I finally arrived home in The Hague at 22.15. So there was not much left of my day.

Wednesday and Thursday were very hot and everybody was working half force. I met again the second man of the organisation and had a pleasant talk. He convinced me that I am welcome in the organisation and that I am capable to do the tasks assigned to me. It still is a challenge; surely with my history.

As a gay man I still do not feel safe in the organisation. There are a lot of muslims and hindus working and some of them even wear headscarves (even in my own staff) and those are known not to be the most tolerant against gays. Sometimes I feel strong if my rights might be violated, but I do not want to battle. They have to accept me as much as I accept them. Coming out is still too risky, but I do not want to hide it either.

I started to get more acquainted to Dutch immigration law, because I feel that it is necessary to become accepted by the staff, which totally consists of lawyers and specialists. Specialists always still look down upon generalists - but OK, this is their problem; I see the bigger picture. Next week I finally hope to meet my new director; he seems to be charismatic but difficult to get in contact with. Next week more info.

TIRED

Today I went to Utrecht to meet my new colleagues in the last work meeting under the presidency of my predecessor; those people I am supposed to manage the next year. A lot of information came my way and I was focused on understanding what they were all talking about and I quickly lost track.

And there it was again; can I manage ? am I not falling in the same traps as in previous years ? am I capable enough ? STOP !!; this is not helping - STAY CALM AND IT WILL BE OK !! It is not necessary to understand it all at this stage. Luckily nobody noticed anything; also something I have learned over the years ...